Temple Trip with Cousins

 Today we met up with my cousin, her husband and oldest girl, and our grandparents for a temple date! Camilla and Amelia are about a month apart in age and enjoy one anothers company. It was special to have the great-grandparents there as well to watch the girls do baptisms. Despite the late hour when we got out of our session, we decided to head to West Ed for dinner at Earls. It was fun to spend time visiting with Jenny and Graham and the girls enjoyed the extra time to hang out! We drove back home afterward, which made for a pretty late night, but so worth it!

 

 

Crimson Lake

Today we had a lake day! Everyone helped load the boogie boards and we all got into our swim suits and headed out early in the morning. Lily really loves throwing herself backwards into the water and I was grateful we brought her life jacket. She's such a daredevil! She also wanted to play with everyone else's toys and threw her first real tantrum complete with kicking and screaming in the sand. I scooped her up and walked calmly down the trail while she continued to scream. When I gently put her feet on the sand, she proceeded to jump up and down and scream some more. I was able to remain calm and eventually she gave in and snuggled into Camilla's shoulder. A sweet friend passed me on the trail and told me she saw me with my crew in the water and thought I was a rock star. It was nice to hear. Most people just look at me like I'm crazy. After so many littles I know to expect these tantrums and I've learned how to wait them out. 

Everyone else had a lot of fun swimming and cooling off. The big boys even ended up meeting some friends and swimming with them for a while. We all came home tired and sunburnt and enjoyed KD and salad for dinner!

 

In the Greenhouse

 Today I slowly planted the tomatoes in the greenhouse with a clingy toddler. She had to be sitting right on my lap most of the time, which made it very slow going. 

While I dug holes, spooned in the added nutrients, and put the tomatoes into the soil, I admired her chubby toes and fingers. 

Sometime after the first four rows were planted, she finally succumbed to sleep. I placed my sweater in the wheel barrow and gently lied her on top. She sprawled out and let out a sleepy sigh.

With the warm temperature inside greenhouse, she soundly slept while I finished planting the remaining rows.

The late afternoon brought homemade cookies for hungry children who would soon be getting off the bus! What a blessing it is to be here for them when they arrive home from school each day.

May Blossoms

Earlier today Hyrum asked me for a haircut. He showed me a picture of someone on his phone and explained, "Something like this.... not too short on the sides and longer on the top like this." I replied, "Oh yeah, that looks nice. Wait... is that Connor McDavid?" He laughed, "yes...." Then I saw Joe in the background making kissy faces, "He just wants alllllll the girls to like him." And just like that, Hyrum was off and running. Good thing Joe had the smarts to start running before he finished talking. The headstart did him some good. And that my friends, is a glimpse at life with boys.

Tonight when the house was still, I slipped on my shoes and snuck outside. The storm clouds cooled the air and called me on a walk. As soon as I spotted the flowers on the Saskatoons I knew I had to go to the orchard to check the apple trees. May blossoms are my favourite! 

The birds sang as a gentle breeze teased my hair. Once I had thoroughly smelled and admired every tree in the orchard, I made my way back to the house and cozied up to a movie as everyone else slept. I needed those brief moments to pause and reset after such a long day.

 

World Cup Tournament

Today was the annual World Cup tournament for soccer! With boys in three different age groups, we end up spending the entire day at the field. Finley and Oliver play their games all morning and finish with a medal ceremony early afternoon. There was a few times we were split between watching two different kids at the same time once the big boys games started up.

Finley played so well this year and enjoyed the friends he made on his team!

Ollie loves soccer so much! He also loved matching his red cleats, red shorts, and red jersey each week and refused to wear the black soccer shorts. He played his heart out all year and loved every second.

Hyrum won MVP at the end of one of their first games. He plays hard and has some mad skills on the field. It's so fun watching the U11's play!

After slipping the littles home and grabbing sweaters, we came back to the field to watch the big boys play while the sun set. 

When the sun finally goes down the big lights go on, the kids always get really excited to play!

Joe played his heart out on defense in their last game of the night. No one could get by him! The other team selected him as the MVP for that game and he was so happy to be just like his big brother. 

 We got home shortly before midnight, feeling cold, exhausted and tired! But the boys still had smiles on their faces!

 

Lily and Sonny Boy

Lily and Sonny boy are best buds. On these warm and bright afternoons they can often be found hanging out on the deck together. Being outside is on of Lily's favourite things (next to Sonny boy of course). We sure love miss joy and the sunshine she brings to our lives! 

Easter Sunday

 It's Easter Sunday. The bunny couldn't come yesterday as per usual, since there was a youth temple trip and Daddy and Camilla had to leave super early. And the bunny couldn't come on Monday since it had Easter dresses to deliver for the girls. So we broke tradition and the easter bunny came this morning. The children were all very excited and Camilla was especially excited to match her baby sister for church today. 

We braved the chilly morning and went out to the front yard for a few Easter photos. I can't believe how BIG these children are getting! They are all growing into incredible little humans and I love them dearly for spreading joy.

Unexpected

If I was ever asked about my "worst day ever" I am pretty sure I would tell about what happened just a few days ago. After trying to manage my miscarriage at home through the night on Wednesday, I started feeling very weak and light headed in the early hours of the morning. We went to emergency fearing hemorrhaging and I was told a D&C would be the best option. I felt so frustrated at my body, which had previously carried out seven natural births without a problem. I couldn't stop crying tears of disappointment and frustration. I was terrified to be put to sleep for surgery and debated the other option given (which would have likely resulted in surgery anyways). I remember feeling so scared as I left Mike and they wheeled my bed to the operating room. 

I woke up fifteen minutes later completely distraught and disoriented. I can remember them asking me what Mike's phone number was so that they could call him to calm me down. And I distinctly remember sobbing into my hands while everyone whirled around me. They ended up giving me a drug to calm down and my heart rate tanked. I vaguely remember them putting in a second IV while the nurse rubbed and tapped my other arm calling my name and making sure I was awake. It took me quite a while to come to and realize what was happening (like hours). My Dad had snuck in to the post surgery daycare because Mike asked if he could come and help give me a blessing. I was weak and my heart was beating irregularly. I could hardly sit up in bed without the monitors beeping and feeling like the blood was draining from my head. 

The nurse who was keeping an eye on me also specialized in cardiac issues and didn't feel comfortable letting me go home (and quite frankly, I don't think I had the strength anyways). She admitted me back into emerge where they hooked me to an ECG monitor for the rest of the afternoon. The doctor strongly recommended a blood transfusion since my hemoglobin levels were quite low (115 when I arrived and now 75 post surgery). He explained that the lower chambers of my heart were trying to make up for the loss of blood by double beating or something. After a lot of questions, a blood transfusion was ordered in hopes that the extra volume would be the thing to get me back to normal. We were told there was a two hour wait, which ended up being more like four or five hours, for the blood to arrive and be checked through the lab. After hours and hours of Mike watching the heart monitor, while I dozed in and out of sleep, the transfusion finally began shortly before midnight. All I wanted to do was go home and see my babies. Thankfully, when all was said and done eight hours later, I was finally able to sit up and eventually made it to a standing position without all of the bells and whistles going off on the monitor. My energy levels came back and I was able to have some much needed food. I came home to worried kids, who had cleaned the house for us, and spent most of the day resting.

I am grateful for an awesome support system, prayers, and meals that have helped us through this week! I have now been through both a stillbirth and a miscarriage and I can't say that one is less heart breaking than the other. Tears still prick my eyes when I think of the hopes and dreams that left along with this angel baby and how different the future looks for our family. Sometimes I still believe this was all somehow my fault or that I could have prevented it. Other times I think that if I was a better mom, more patient, more kind etc. that this gift would not have been taken from us. Of course, none of that is true in reality, but a grief filled mind is good at feeling sorry for itself. Sometimes the hardest moments to get through are the ones with no explanation. As I've gone through this experience, many other women have reached out, and I can't help but think about how strong, brave, and resilient women are as we strive to face each day with grace and joy despite the heartache and trials we experience.

"Life does not come to us to be perfectly understood, but to be fully experienced." 

~Brianna Wiest

Learning Through Loss

 I have always been an avid journal keeper. I have books and books filled with significant events and day to day activities from my childhood. Even though this blog hasn't been updated as regularly as I'd like, I have still found other ways to journal, post pictures, and keep our family memories. But there is something therapeutic about spilling your heart out into words, and right now that's exactly what I need.

After our stillbirth over eight years ago, I spoke with a sweet nurse over the phone who told me that the experience was now part of our life story. She helped me embrace it and learn from it. So, here I sit to write about another life event that has changed and shaped us over this past week after receiving the devastating news that the baby we were expecting had no heartbeat. This year my heart has been tried time and time again over many different things. It seems so unfair that just as it was starting to mend, it was shattered into pieces. 

I woke one morning to signs of an impending miscarriage. Thinking we were well past this point, we had already shared our exciting news with many family and friends. In a panic I contacted my midwife and she was able to meet us at the clinic on Sunday in hopes of easing my fear. Statistically many woman who have a similar experience go on to have healthy pregnancies. Unfortunately, she was unable to pick up a fetal heart rate and it only made my heart sink more. I held it together until she hugged me on my way out, and then the tears began to stream down my face. It was decided that I would go for an ultrasound the next day and see what was going on. In my mind, I knew, but there is always a sliver of hope to hold onto. I found myself on my knees crying out to Heavenly Father trying to figure out why this was happening while also trying to accept His will for our family. Waiting for the next day to arrive felt like forever and I ended up tossing and turning for most of the night.

I walked into the ultrasound with Mike by my side, prepared for the worst possible news. Even though I had mentally prepared myself,  it still didn't lessen the blow. Tears escaped my eyes as I lay in the dimly lit room, my mind reeling at all of the changes this would bring for our family in the future. Holidays that will not be what I imagined, milestones that will be missed, that last chair at the table that will be left unfilled. I had visions of finally being able to bath a tiny babe in our new kitchen sink, and moving the crib into the new nursery instead of storage. When we got back to the car, I sobbed as every wave of emotion and grief hit me.

Why would I get a prompting to have another baby, only to have it taken away so suddenly? Was this a punishment for my earlier prayers and pleas when I felt like it was too much? Or perhaps a punishment for not giving my children enough attention and love? Am I a horrible mother and undeserving? What lesson was I to learn from this? I think the hardest part for me is because I was following a prompting, never in a million years did I expect it to end this way. Everything was supposed to work out without a doubt.

The past few days have been filled with a roller coaster of emotion, and amidst it all, life still carries on. The children still need meals, love, and attention. The dishes still need doing. The dog still needs walking. Lily still needs snuggling to sleep. Appointments and lesson schedules need to be kept. I crave the hustle and bustle because as long as I am busy, the tears don't creep up on me and I can keep my emotions in check.  Keeping busy also makes it easy to isolate myself from others and I'm afraid I've been horrible at responding to messages and answering phone calls. But in the middle of the chaos there have also been moments where time has stood still, and I have looked at my children and felt an immense love and gratitude for each of them. I have found myself cherishing the blessings I have been given. I have been more acutely aware of the way Heavenly Father has led and taught me throughout my life. 

Not everything that happens to us is going to make sense, but I am choosing to trust and hope that it will all work out in the end. And while my mind struggles to understand these recent events, the words “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5) cycle through my thoughts, giving me comfort and the strength to carry on and pick up the pieces. 

Artwork

"A Willing Woman"

Caitlin Connolly

"This mortal life is a proving ground. How well you meet its challenges determines how strong your character will be. Your faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings fortifies your character." 

~Richard G. Scott

Sunlit Evenings

These sunlit evenings are such a gift! Laughter echos outside as the children soak up the last rays of the day. They come inside rosy cheeked with an extra bit of sparkle in their eyes. These are the moments that fill our souls and hearts to the brim.

As I folded clothes on my bed and listened to the distant laughter, I noticed the sunlight pouring through my window and couldn’t help but think of how the light always dispels darkness.

“As we intensify our faith in Christ, we receive light in intensifying measure until it dispels all darkness that might gather around us”. ~ Timothy J. Dyches