Unexpected

If I was ever asked about my "worst day ever" I am pretty sure I would tell about what happened just a few days ago. After trying to manage my miscarriage at home through the night on Wednesday, I started feeling very weak and light headed in the early hours of the morning. We went to emergency fearing hemorrhaging and I was told a D&C would be the best option. I felt so frustrated at my body, which had previously carried out seven natural births without a problem. I couldn't stop crying tears of disappointment and frustration. I was terrified to be put to sleep for surgery and debated the other option given (which would have likely resulted in surgery anyways). I remember feeling so scared as I left Mike and they wheeled my bed to the operating room. 

I woke up fifteen minutes later completely distraught and disoriented. I can remember them asking me what Mike's phone number was so that they could call him to calm me down. And I distinctly remember sobbing into my hands while everyone whirled around me. They ended up giving me a drug to calm down and my heart rate tanked. I vaguely remember them putting in a second IV while the nurse rubbed and tapped my other arm calling my name and making sure I was awake. It took me quite a while to come to and realize what was happening (like hours). My Dad had snuck in to the post surgery daycare because Mike asked if he could come and help give me a blessing. I was weak and my heart was beating irregularly. I could hardly sit up in bed without the monitors beeping and feeling like the blood was draining from my head. 

The nurse who was keeping an eye on me also specialized in cardiac issues and didn't feel comfortable letting me go home (and quite frankly, I don't think I had the strength anyways). She admitted me back into emerge where they hooked me to an ECG monitor for the rest of the afternoon. The doctor strongly recommended a blood transfusion since my hemoglobin levels were quite low (115 when I arrived and now 75 post surgery). He explained that the lower chambers of my heart were trying to make up for the loss of blood by double beating or something. After a lot of questions, a blood transfusion was ordered in hopes that the extra volume would be the thing to get me back to normal. We were told there was a two hour wait, which ended up being more like four or five hours, for the blood to arrive and be checked through the lab. After hours and hours of Mike watching the heart monitor, while I dozed in and out of sleep, the transfusion finally began shortly before midnight. All I wanted to do was go home and see my babies. Thankfully, when all was said and done eight hours later, I was finally able to sit up and eventually made it to a standing position without all of the bells and whistles going off on the monitor. My energy levels came back and I was able to have some much needed food. I came home to worried kids, who had cleaned the house for us, and spent most of the day resting.

I am grateful for an awesome support system, prayers, and meals that have helped us through this week! I have now been through both a stillbirth and a miscarriage and I can't say that one is less heart breaking than the other. Tears still prick my eyes when I think of the hopes and dreams that left along with this angel baby and how different the future looks for our family. Sometimes I still believe this was all somehow my fault or that I could have prevented it. Other times I think that if I was a better mom, more patient, more kind etc. that this gift would not have been taken from us. Of course, none of that is true in reality, but a grief filled mind is good at feeling sorry for itself. Sometimes the hardest moments to get through are the ones with no explanation. As I've gone through this experience, many other women have reached out, and I can't help but think about how strong, brave, and resilient women are as we strive to face each day with grace and joy despite the heartache and trials we experience.

"Life does not come to us to be perfectly understood, but to be fully experienced." 

~Brianna Wiest