I have always been an avid journal keeper. I have books and books filled with significant events and day to day activities from my childhood. Even though this blog hasn't been updated as regularly as I'd like, I have still found other ways to journal, post pictures, and keep our family memories. But there is something therapeutic about spilling your heart out into words, and right now that's exactly what I need.
After our stillbirth over eight years ago, I spoke with a sweet nurse over the phone who told me that the experience was now part of our life story. She helped me embrace it and learn from it. So, here I sit to write about another life event that has changed and shaped us over this past week after receiving the devastating news that the baby we were expecting had no heartbeat. This year my heart has been tried time and time again over many different things. It seems so unfair that just as it was starting to mend, it was shattered into pieces.
I woke one morning to signs of an impending miscarriage. Thinking we were well past this point, we had already shared our exciting news with many family and friends. In a panic I contacted my midwife and she was able to meet us at the clinic on Sunday in hopes of easing my fear. Statistically many woman who have a similar experience go on to have healthy pregnancies. Unfortunately, she was unable to pick up a fetal heart rate and it only made my heart sink more. I held it together until she hugged me on my way out, and then the tears began to stream down my face. It was decided that I would go for an ultrasound the next day and see what was going on. In my mind, I knew, but there is always a sliver of hope to hold onto. I found myself on my knees crying out to Heavenly Father trying to figure out why this was happening while also trying to accept His will for our family. Waiting for the next day to arrive felt like forever and I ended up tossing and turning for most of the night.
I walked into the ultrasound with Mike by my side, prepared for the worst possible news. Even though I had mentally prepared myself, it still didn't lessen the blow. Tears escaped my eyes as I lay in the dimly lit room, my mind reeling at all of the changes this would bring for our family in the future. Holidays that will not be what I imagined, milestones that will be missed, that last chair at the table that will be left unfilled. I had visions of finally being able to bath a tiny babe in our new kitchen sink, and moving the crib into the new nursery instead of storage. When we got back to the car, I sobbed as every wave of emotion and grief hit me.
Why would I get a prompting to have another baby, only to have it taken away so suddenly? Was this a punishment for my earlier prayers and pleas when I felt like it was too much? Or perhaps a punishment for not giving my children enough attention and love? Am I a horrible mother and undeserving? What lesson was I to learn from this? I think the hardest part for me is because I was following a prompting, never in a million years did I expect it to end this way. Everything was supposed to work out without a doubt.
The past few days have been filled with a roller coaster of emotion, and amidst it all, life still carries on. The children still need meals, love, and attention. The dishes still need doing. The dog still needs walking. Lily still needs snuggling to sleep. Appointments and lesson schedules need to be kept. I crave the hustle and bustle because as long as I am busy, the tears don't creep up on me and I can keep my emotions in check. Keeping busy also makes it easy to isolate myself from others and I'm afraid I've been horrible at responding to messages and answering phone calls. But in the middle of the chaos there have also been moments where time has stood still, and I have looked at my children and felt an immense love and gratitude for each of them. I have found myself cherishing the blessings I have been given. I have been more acutely aware of the way Heavenly Father has led and taught me throughout my life.
Not everything that happens to us is going to make sense, but I am choosing to trust and hope that it will all work out in the end. And while my mind struggles to understand these recent events, the words “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5) cycle through my thoughts, giving me comfort and the strength to carry on and pick up the pieces.
"This mortal life is a proving ground. How well you meet its challenges determines how strong your character will be. Your faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings fortifies your character."
~Richard G. Scott
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