Lily and Sonny boy are best buds. On these warm and bright afternoons they can often be found hanging out on the deck together. Being outside is on of Lily's favourite things (next to Sonny boy of course). We sure love miss joy and the sunshine she brings to our lives!
It's Easter Sunday. The bunny couldn't come yesterday as per usual, since there was a youth temple trip and Daddy and Camilla had to leave super early. And the bunny couldn't come on Monday since it had Easter dresses to deliver for the girls. So we broke tradition and the easter bunny came this morning. The children were all very excited and Camilla was especially excited to match her baby sister for church today.
If I was ever asked about my "worst day ever" I am pretty sure I would tell about what happened just a few days ago. After trying to manage my miscarriage at home through the night on Wednesday, I started feeling very weak and light headed in the early hours of the morning. We went to emergency fearing hemorrhaging and I was told a D&C would be the best option. I felt so frustrated at my body, which had previously carried out seven natural births without a problem. I couldn't stop crying tears of disappointment and frustration. I was terrified to be put to sleep for surgery and debated the other option given (which would have likely resulted in surgery anyways). I remember feeling so scared as I left Mike and they wheeled my bed to the operating room.
I woke up fifteen minutes later completely distraught and disoriented. I can remember them asking me what Mike's phone number was so that they could call him to calm me down. And I distinctly remember sobbing into my hands while everyone whirled around me. They ended up giving me a drug to calm down and my heart rate tanked. I vaguely remember them putting in a second IV while the nurse rubbed and tapped my other arm calling my name and making sure I was awake. It took me quite a while to come to and realize what was happening (like hours). My Dad had snuck in to the post surgery daycare because Mike asked if he could come and help give me a blessing. I was weak and my heart was beating irregularly. I could hardly sit up in bed without the monitors beeping and feeling like the blood was draining from my head.
The nurse who was keeping an eye on me also specialized in cardiac issues and didn't feel comfortable letting me go home (and quite frankly, I don't think I had the strength anyways). She admitted me back into emerge where they hooked me to an ECG monitor for the rest of the afternoon. The doctor strongly recommended a blood transfusion since my hemoglobin levels were quite low (115 when I arrived and now 75 post surgery). He explained that the lower chambers of my heart were trying to make up for the loss of blood by double beating or something. After a lot of questions, a blood transfusion was ordered in hopes that the extra volume would be the thing to get me back to normal. We were told there was a two hour wait, which ended up being more like four or five hours, for the blood to arrive and be checked through the lab. After hours and hours of Mike watching the heart monitor, while I dozed in and out of sleep, the transfusion finally began shortly before midnight. All I wanted to do was go home and see my babies. Thankfully, when all was said and done eight hours later, I was finally able to sit up and eventually made it to a standing position without all of the bells and whistles going off on the monitor. My energy levels came back and I was able to have some much needed food. I came home to worried kids, who had cleaned the house for us, and spent most of the day resting.
I am grateful for an awesome support system, prayers, and meals that have helped us through this week! I have now been through both a stillbirth and a miscarriage and I can't say that one is less heart breaking than the other. Tears still prick my eyes when I think of the hopes and dreams that left along with this angel baby and how different the future looks for our family. Sometimes I still believe this was all somehow my fault or that I could have prevented it. Other times I think that if I was a better mom, more patient, more kind etc. that this gift would not have been taken from us. Of course, none of that is true in reality, but a grief filled mind is good at feeling sorry for itself. Sometimes the hardest moments to get through are the ones with no explanation. As I've gone through this experience, many other women have reached out, and I can't help but think about how strong, brave, and resilient women are as we strive to face each day with grace and joy despite the heartache and trials we experience.
"Life does not come to us to be perfectly understood, but to be fully experienced."
~Brianna Wiest
I have always been an avid journal keeper. I have books and books filled with significant events and day to day activities from my childhood. Even though this blog hasn't been updated as regularly as I'd like, I have still found other ways to journal, post pictures, and keep our family memories. But there is something therapeutic about spilling your heart out into words, and right now that's exactly what I need.
After our stillbirth over eight years ago, I spoke with a sweet nurse over the phone who told me that the experience was now part of our life story. She helped me embrace it and learn from it. So, here I sit to write about another life event that has changed and shaped us over this past week after receiving the devastating news that the baby we were expecting had no heartbeat. This year my heart has been tried time and time again over many different things. It seems so unfair that just as it was starting to mend, it was shattered into pieces.
I woke one morning to signs of an impending miscarriage. Thinking we were well past this point, we had already shared our exciting news with many family and friends. In a panic I contacted my midwife and she was able to meet us at the clinic on Sunday in hopes of easing my fear. Statistically many woman who have a similar experience go on to have healthy pregnancies. Unfortunately, she was unable to pick up a fetal heart rate and it only made my heart sink more. I held it together until she hugged me on my way out, and then the tears began to stream down my face. It was decided that I would go for an ultrasound the next day and see what was going on. In my mind, I knew, but there is always a sliver of hope to hold onto. I found myself on my knees crying out to Heavenly Father trying to figure out why this was happening while also trying to accept His will for our family. Waiting for the next day to arrive felt like forever and I ended up tossing and turning for most of the night.
I walked into the ultrasound with Mike by my side, prepared for the worst possible news. Even though I had mentally prepared myself, it still didn't lessen the blow. Tears escaped my eyes as I lay in the dimly lit room, my mind reeling at all of the changes this would bring for our family in the future. Holidays that will not be what I imagined, milestones that will be missed, that last chair at the table that will be left unfilled. I had visions of finally being able to bath a tiny babe in our new kitchen sink, and moving the crib into the new nursery instead of storage. When we got back to the car, I sobbed as every wave of emotion and grief hit me.
Why would I get a prompting to have another baby, only to have it taken away so suddenly? Was this a punishment for my earlier prayers and pleas when I felt like it was too much? Or perhaps a punishment for not giving my children enough attention and love? Am I a horrible mother and undeserving? What lesson was I to learn from this? I think the hardest part for me is because I was following a prompting, never in a million years did I expect it to end this way. Everything was supposed to work out without a doubt.
The past few days have been filled with a roller coaster of emotion, and amidst it all, life still carries on. The children still need meals, love, and attention. The dishes still need doing. The dog still needs walking. Lily still needs snuggling to sleep. Appointments and lesson schedules need to be kept. I crave the hustle and bustle because as long as I am busy, the tears don't creep up on me and I can keep my emotions in check. Keeping busy also makes it easy to isolate myself from others and I'm afraid I've been horrible at responding to messages and answering phone calls. But in the middle of the chaos there have also been moments where time has stood still, and I have looked at my children and felt an immense love and gratitude for each of them. I have found myself cherishing the blessings I have been given. I have been more acutely aware of the way Heavenly Father has led and taught me throughout my life.
Not everything that happens to us is going to make sense, but I am choosing to trust and hope that it will all work out in the end. And while my mind struggles to understand these recent events, the words “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5) cycle through my thoughts, giving me comfort and the strength to carry on and pick up the pieces.
"This mortal life is a proving ground. How well you meet its challenges determines how strong your character will be. Your faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings fortifies your character."
~Richard G. Scott
