Enough

Today was a good day, but definitely left me feeling drained and like I didn't give enough to everyone and everything demanding my attention. My breakfast dishes sat on the table all day and were only cleared when I finally served dinner. The little boys and I were gone all morning and arrived home just in time for naps. Fin and Ollie both ended up napping which I am now regretting as they are still not asleep. 

I rushed off to pick up the kids for piano and soccer shortly after the little boys fell asleep (thanks Mom and Dad for watching them) and didn't get home until dinner. Sawyer is teething which has turned him into a huge mamma's boy and our nights have been terrible. Soccer practice was freezing cold again with a little less wind than last time. Sawyer snuggled in the sling and fell asleep while I blew the whistle every ten minutes to let them know when to rotate stations. When I got home I simultaneously made bread dough, dinner, and a cup of hot tea (to thaw my frozen bones from soccer) while the baby whined in the highchair. I really made a conscious effort over dinner not to look at the clock or worry about the time. We chatted about school and what we all did today while everyone slowly ate. Camilla and Ollie danced around the kitchen to music and we all took turns picking songs and laughing together. 

As soon as dinner finished there was hardly time to clean up since I wanted to get the ball rolling on the bedtime routine. Most of the littles grabbed jammies out of baskets of clean clothes that have been waiting to be folded for days. I feel like my washing machine pretty much runs non-stop trying to keep us all in clean clothes. After everyone was jammied we jumped on my bed for a quick scripture study and night prayers and then brushed teeth. The older three read and wrote in their journals while I tucked in the younger two (who got out of bed shortly there after). The baby was starving and hadn't eaten since just before soccer, so I rushed through tucking in the older boys trying to thank them for their help and being awesome for their coaches. 

By this time the bread dough was oozing over the edges of the bowl and needing to be put into pans. I read Camilla a few pages of Heidi while nursing the baby to sleep, but when I put him in his crib he woke up right away. Camilla helped me make the cheese buns for lunches and then I tucked her in and sat on the couch with a cranky baby. As I surveyed the damage (toy bins all over the living room, costumes dumped on the floor, blocks everywhere, the vacuum still out because I intended on using it today, my crochet project stuffed in the corner waiting to be finished, the dishes stacked on the counter, dinner needing to be put away) I began to feel very overwhelmed.

There is never enough hours in the day to accomplish all that needs doing. I am often up hours after the children have gone to bed folding laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, or making school snacks, because it's the only time I can actually be productive. Then I wake up at the crack of dawn to feed them breakfast and get some morning snuggles which leaves me exhausted by the early afternoon. For the most part I've adopted the attitude that whatever doesn't get done today will (most likely) get done tomorrow. Some days this is harder to do than others and today is one of those days.  Sometimes I think it would be really nice to have a clean house and be able to walk through my kitchen without my socks sticking to the floor because someone made themselves a jelly sandwich and ate it all over the house. For now I am just trying my best to roll with the punches and embrace the chaos. 

More importantly though, I constantly worry if I am giving my children the individual attention they deserve. Am I listening well enough? Am I asking the right questions? Am I spending enough time with them? Did I give them enough hugs? Did I forget to feed anyone today? Did I lose my patience too many times? Has someone gone to sleep feeling lonely or left out because of something I did or didn't do? Is anyone getting lost in the shuffle? Sometimes even after I go to bed for the night these thoughts swirl through my head filling me with doubt and making sleep slow to come. 

Motherhood has stretched me in ways that I never knew it would. The levels of exhaustion a mother functions on are unreal. The sleepless nights are relentless. The demands are endless. There is no completing one job before moving on to the next. In my role I am constantly circling from one thing to another before actually completing a task. But I am grateful for the way this role has refined me and continues to teach me about serving selflessly and doing small things with great love.

But now my nose is telling me that the cheese buns are ready to come out of the oven and I think I am definitely going to eat one and have another cup of tea because it's looking like I have another long night ahead of me.