Infinite Worth

 A few months back I was really struggling with my sense of self-worth. Sometimes I feel stuck and think that my lack of secondary education makes me useless and inferior to those around me. Growing up, I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. I understood the divine role that mother's had and learned from my own mother's great example. And even though I did complete a few years towards a university degree, being a mother was ultimately all I ever wanted in this life, which is why I decided to pursue a career in motherhood instead of teaching.  Without going into too many details, I was feeling really down on myself. I was giving up hobbies that made me happy to make others happy, and staying home more than I should to let others go out or fulfill obligations. It was rough (just ask my husband who attended all of my pity parties and kindly let me cry on his shoulder night after night). Somehow I had lead myself to believe that if I didn't have a secondary education, I wasn't smart, and I didn't have anything to offer the world. I was feeling like "just a mom". Sometimes we can fall into the trap of measuring our worth by comparison. With the world constantly telling me how to measure my value, I began pondering the word "worth" and wondering what my own worth was to my Heavenly Father.

 I started feeling completely useless as a mother while I cleaned, and nagged and desperately tried to teach them. I used to be a really fun mom. I used to have an imagination and lots of time to play. I used to laugh and read to them and find humor in their mistakes. I used to understand that they are learning and gently guide them along. It's so hard to measure your worth as a mother and sometimes it's difficult to see that the little things and the smallest efforts each day matter.

While there were days where I felt important and valued, there became significantly more where I felt quite the opposite. I truly felt like I was in the "depths of despair", as Anne Shirley would say. I began to feel like the laundry fairy, the maid, the chef, and the grocery shopper. I was running on little to no sleep with a teething baby and an early rising preschooler and my emotions were frazzled. I couldn't help but wonder, when my kids are grown will they remember me shouting at them to clean their rooms as I stub my toe on a million toys on the way out? Or will they remember me kissing them good-night and sitting at their bedside as they tell me about their day?

One day as I folded the clean laundry that was strewn all over the basement floor, tears began to tumble down my cheeks. I wondered if any of what I was doing mattered to anyone. I figured that no body could possibly know how I felt at that very moment (except maybe every other mom in the world, and our loving Heavenly Father). I felt needed, but not noticed. If only someone, anyone, could see the love and time I spent on things, the sacrifice, the late nights worrying if I'm doing everything right. 

Then one night I stumbled on a quote a friend of mine shared that hit me hard, because it was exactly what was happening to me. And I immediately knew that the thoughts I was having did not come from a loving Heavenly Father.

"Another way Satan deceives is through discouragement. He attempts to focus our sight on our own insignificance until we begin to doubt that we have much worth." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Caitlin Connolly

It didn't get better over night, but gradually with support from friends and family, lots of prayers, and a much needed priesthood blessing, things started to look up again. I started by shifting my focus from the seemingly unfair things towards more important and happy things. I started reading my scriptures more, praying diligently, and writing in my journal. I made a point of hugging my kids more and really paying attention to them. Instead of feeling badly about my passions and hobbies I decided to embrace them! There are times when reading a book or finishing a crochet project can be more important than finishing a sink full of dishes. I took time for myself. Many might think that's a no-brainer, but with five kids and a husband it becomes easy to fall into the habit of giving, and never receiving or taking time to refill my bucket. Some nights it was a simple as a quick trip to the grocery store by myself after Mike got home. Other nights it was a quick soak in the bath. I made a point of serving others more (mostly in the form of baking) and focusing on them, rather than my worries always helped! The kids would gladly run cookies and bread to neighbors and friends as I thought of them. Most days, I am left wishing I could do more, but I am learning to be content with the season of life I'm in right now. It is crazy, exhausting, and wonderful all at the same time and it's teaching me so much each day.

 "My dear sisters, your Heavenly Father loves you -- Each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you deserve love. It is simply always there." 

-Thomas S. Monson

The other night while I was making dinner, my sweet toddler began quietly singing a favorite primary song as he played blocks nearby. "I am a chiwld of God, He sent me here. Ha diven me an erf-lee home wit parents kind and deeeear... Weed me, guide me. Wot beee..side me. Hewlp me find da wayyy tea me aw dat I mut dooooo....To wiv wif Him tum-dayyyy". Prayers were answered and tears stung my eyes as I was reminded that I am a child of God. We are so blessed to know where we came from and what we have the potential to become. I may not ever hold a university degree, (at least not in this season of my life), but I am a child of God, and I am of infinite worth, and his love is always there. Sometimes we just have to look a little harder for it.

I am a child of God,

And he has sent me here,

Has given me an earthly home

With parents kind and dear.

 

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,

Help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do

To live with him someday.

 

Spiritual Enlightenment here and here