A Breakthrough

I have always loved to write in my journal. It's a habit that formed while sitting at my mothers feet before I could write, dictating to her the happenings of my day as she rocked in her rocking chair and recorded them in a little note book. Whenever I read back on that book I always laugh because each page starts with, "Today was a good day..." or "Today was a bad day..." As I've grown, struggled with trials, worked my way through friendships and hardships, celebrated successes and accomplished my dreams I have always written my thoughts carefully in books which are now packed away in my closet. Since it's easier to type than to handwrite, bear with me while I relate some recent thoughts and feelings from this week.

My house is quiet, as it usually is mid afternoon while the boys nap and Camilla crafts and creates. Joseph took a long time to fall asleep today and babbled for a good hour in his crib (probably dirtying his diaper as he does each and every afternoon) before silence could be heard on the baby monitor. Camilla and I created some fun decorations and put hearts up for the upcoming month. It's always fun spending time with her and hearing her stories. My two biggest accomplishments so far include three sparkly clean bathrooms and bread dough rising on the counter. And even though my kitchen is currently a mess and I'm still not sure what we're having for dinner, I don't so much mind because my children are happy.

This week has been sort of really hard for me. I have been feeling pretty down and been super hard on myself. I can't remember the last time I really loved myself or was happy with something that I'd done. I'm having a hard time feeling like a good mother, and still placing blame on myself for the loss of our baby. The other night Camilla sweetly prayed, "Please help Mamma's baby to grow back". Grief is such a hard hard thing to overcome, and right now I feel like I'm drowning in it. Tears still well up in my eyes when I whisper in my children's ears how much I love them, but happy tears are good. And then I've had moments where I just plop myself down on the floor in front of the kitchen sink, while I hug Joe tightly and cry until I can't anymore. I've fallen into a trap of comparing myself to others and thinking, surely so and so never yells at their child! I think I've barricaded myself at home for too long and I'm starting to feel lonely. I've lucked into some great afternoon naps snuggled up in Camilla's bed with the two older kids, but it just shows that my motivation seems to be lost and I'm having a hard time finding it. Yesterday a sweet friend brought by a "box of love" filled with treats, pink lemonade, socks and other cozy things. It totally made my day and improved my mood. I was able to clean my kitchen and tidy up the house for my dear Mr. Stannix before he arrived home.

Luckily, life isn't all bad. We've had an awesome breakthrough in potty training Hyrum and I haven't changed a dirty diaper of his in three whole days. We still have accidents every day, but with the progress we've made I'm determined to stick with it whatever my mood. I love the way he dances after he's used the potty. He's always so so proud of himself. We have a deal right now that he gets a bowl of ice cream for a number two. One of my favorite things as of late is his, "Yes Mudder". The other day I let out a giggle after he said it. He smirked and a small laugh escaped while he explained, "I can't say Mudder, just Mommy..." I need to record it so I can smile at it down the road when he can pronounce my name.

Overall we are doing alright here in the Stannix home. We just have a few rough days here and there and some hard Mommy moments with patience being stretched between three energetic littles. I'm so grateful for good friends, a wonderful husband, and the Gospel. Without a knowledge of my Savior and the atonement, this trial might be unbearably difficult. I've had the opportunity to read through old conference talks and be uplifted by the words of prophets and apostles.

"My dear sisters, as you live your daily life with all its blessings and challenges, let me assure you that the Lord loves you. He knows you. He listens to your prayers, and He answers those prayers, wherever on this world you may be. He wants you to succeed in this life and in eternity."

~President Dieter F.Uchtdorf

One of my friends came for a visit the other day, and as I related how I was feeling she reminded me that the Lord loves me, and knows me. I always like visiting with her, because she always seems to know exactly what to say. She also reminded me of this little tid bit from a favorite talk of mine.

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses... In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

And so we press forward. Taking on each day one at a time and trying not to have too high of expectations. If all I've accomplished in a day is making my children happy, that should count for something.... right? Their smiles and funny way with words keep me going each day. There is no other job I would rather be doing right now!