Some Mommy Time

Yesterday morning we got invited out to the park with some friends.  I quickly changed out of my Pj's and got Camilla dressed warm and off we went.  It was fun to get out.  This particular friend has seven kids and one on the way (any day now!).  One of her little girls became Camilla's buddy the whole morning and took her down the slide, up on the gym, on the swings, in the sand and everywhere.  She was such a sweetheart and such a good big helper.  I enjoyed some time just visiting with the other ladies and watching the kids laughing and giggling together.  It was a beautiful, crisp fall morning.  The time out of our dark, chilly basement was much needed.

The last few days I've been feeling really down on myself again.  I've gone to bed practically in tears almost every night feeling very inadequate and wondering if I am really cut out for baby #2.  Am I ready? Can I teach this child the things I need to?  I just feel like I need to learn how to be a better mother to Camilla first.  As a one year old, she can really push your buttons, and let's just say that I haven't been the most patient with her these last few days.  Maybe that's why I feel so guilty.  I feel like I'm not treating my little girl as the Savior would want me to treat her.  I always feel guilty when I loose my cool, or raise my voice.  Just so many negative thoughts kept swirling through my mind and making me feel worse and worse about myself.  It's not just with Camilla, but I feel like my house isn't as clean as I would like it to be, and that I haven't been making the kind of meals that I would like to be making. When I discussed it with Mr. Stannix he assured me that probably every mother has these feelings of inadequacy and guilt at some point in their mothering careers.  This should have made me feel better, but I didn't want to believe him.  I was just so upset.  He also told me that I should take some time for myself here and there and that it's hard always being around Camilla.  I agreed, even though I didn't want to.  I never wanted to be one of those moms who needed to "escape" from the house and her children.  I always thought I would find the most joy and happiness being around my kiddies 24/7.  While I do love being home more than away, I do think that some time to myself here and there is a good idea.  Whether it's engaging in a hobby while she naps or studying my scriptures every morning, I think it will help.

After talking to Mr. Stannix, and attending enrichment last night and visiting with some ladies from the ward, I'm feeling better today.  It's time to change and kick those negative thoughts in the butt! Last night when I put Camilla to bed, she fell asleep in my arms again.  All the negative thoughts I had started to melt away.  I snuggled her close, studied her face, and gave her a kiss on the nose.  It's in moments like those that the true joy of motherhood comes.  As I watch her giggle and grin at me this morning, and snuggle and rock her baby, I realized that I'm not doing as bad of a job as I thought I was.  Hopefully someday I can become that woman that I want to be.  I think I will just keep learning, one day at a time, and the Savior will help me with the rest.  I really like this song as I listened to it this morning.  I thought it was very inspiring and motivating!  I also came across this quote in my studies this morning, and it's exactly what I needed.

 

"What can young mothers do to reduce the pressure of raising young children and enjoy their families more?"

"Recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction."

"Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: 'The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. 

I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less' "

~M. Russell Ballard~

I think that's been half of my problem.  I've been so concerned with "getting things done" that I have been too stressed out to enjoy the "doing".  I love being a mother, but there's no doubt that it comes with "hard and frustrating times".  I'm glad that I have Mr. Stannix, my own mother, and friends to discuss my frustrations and trials with.  I'm also glad for the power of prayer and the opportunity I have to talk to my Heavenly Father about my struggles and trials.  He's always there to listen and help.  I do love the special moments that I get to experience as a mother while I snuggle my little girl, watch her dance and giggle, and get special hugs from her.  This is where true joy is found.