Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Our recent battle with stairs is coming to a close. Rather than non-stop climbing, Joe has decided that he prefers sitting on the first step and observing the happenings in the home. Like the children before him, he does this with one sock on and one sock off.

CA Ball

Today we were privileged to attend Mike's CA Grad. It was a full and busy day that I will document more later. After the Graduation we rushed home to see our littles briefly and change for the evening. I scored my dress very last minute while out shopping with my sister. It's so hard to find something modest and reasonably priced here in the City. This one was the last one on the rack, fit me perfectly, and I paid pretty much half price for it! We also ended up scoring an awesome half tee that fit perfectly under the lacy top. It looks better in real life than it does in the picture. You can't tell, but it has a small number of sequins sewn all over. Then came a speedy up-do with the ten bobbypins I could find and we were set! Mike didn't need to do much, he's pretty handsome already!

The CA Ball was held at the Shaw Conference Center and the decorations were beautiful! I was glad we arrived early and were first at our table. It was nice to look out on the mostly empty room and admire the lights, center pieces and table settings.

I've never really taken pictures of the tables before at these kind of things because I always feel silly doing it infront of other people, but since we were the only ones at our table at the time, I couldn't resist! On the menu for the evening was delicious warm buns with different kinds of whipped butter to start. Next, a Charcuterie plate. For the main course we had Chicken Supreme Coq au Vin and Beef Tenderloin with Mousseline Potato and Seasonal Vegetables. Dessert was either Dark chocolate salted caramel chocolate bar, with espresso ice cream and strawberry gel OR Trio of fruit sorbets coconut cake, rum pineapple salsa and passion fruit beurre blanc. I always like reading what is on the menu and seeing how delicately simple things really are.

Before dinner even began they had a brief introduction and piped in the Grads. I always love the sound of the bag pipes, it makes me want to move to Scotland! I couldn't find Mike in the two lines of Grads because they were coming from different directions, but it was fun to see everyone parade by.

It was great to be out with Mr. Stannix and not be worried about the littles. I love that guy and am so proud of his accomplishments.

After dinner we mingled and explored. We spent a lot of time chatting with his friends that studied with him all summer and work with him at the office.

We only managed one good shot of the two of us the entire evening together. We were too busy talking to everyone. Man, Mr. Stannix is a handsome guy!

The Ball portion wasn't quite what I was expecting (it was more just loud music and lots of club dancing). We ended up leaving shortly before 11:00PM. I was super looking forward to dancing with my handsome man, but there was no spinning or dipping music played. Sometimes I wish I was born 100 years ago where there was formalities and more social dancing. As we left the event, snowflakes were gently falling to the ground. We looked out on the city as we walked to the car and admired the changing lights of the pyramids. On the way home we slid by 7-11 for today's paper to grab a copy of Mr. Stannix's picture in the business section.

On the way home we drove by our old house. The light was on in the kids old bedroom and the same curtains hung in the window. We laughed and reminisced as we drove. Both of us still felt a small bit of sadness and gratitude for that little old house and the memories it holds. We've come so far together, and I'm looking forward to many years ahead!

A Breakthrough

I have always loved to write in my journal. It's a habit that formed while sitting at my mothers feet before I could write, dictating to her the happenings of my day as she rocked in her rocking chair and recorded them in a little note book. Whenever I read back on that book I always laugh because each page starts with, "Today was a good day..." or "Today was a bad day..." As I've grown, struggled with trials, worked my way through friendships and hardships, celebrated successes and accomplished my dreams I have always written my thoughts carefully in books which are now packed away in my closet. Since it's easier to type than to handwrite, bear with me while I relate some recent thoughts and feelings from this week.

My house is quiet, as it usually is mid afternoon while the boys nap and Camilla crafts and creates. Joseph took a long time to fall asleep today and babbled for a good hour in his crib (probably dirtying his diaper as he does each and every afternoon) before silence could be heard on the baby monitor. Camilla and I created some fun decorations and put hearts up for the upcoming month. It's always fun spending time with her and hearing her stories. My two biggest accomplishments so far include three sparkly clean bathrooms and bread dough rising on the counter. And even though my kitchen is currently a mess and I'm still not sure what we're having for dinner, I don't so much mind because my children are happy.

This week has been sort of really hard for me. I have been feeling pretty down and been super hard on myself. I can't remember the last time I really loved myself or was happy with something that I'd done. I'm having a hard time feeling like a good mother, and still placing blame on myself for the loss of our baby. The other night Camilla sweetly prayed, "Please help Mamma's baby to grow back". Grief is such a hard hard thing to overcome, and right now I feel like I'm drowning in it. Tears still well up in my eyes when I whisper in my children's ears how much I love them, but happy tears are good. And then I've had moments where I just plop myself down on the floor in front of the kitchen sink, while I hug Joe tightly and cry until I can't anymore. I've fallen into a trap of comparing myself to others and thinking, surely so and so never yells at their child! I think I've barricaded myself at home for too long and I'm starting to feel lonely. I've lucked into some great afternoon naps snuggled up in Camilla's bed with the two older kids, but it just shows that my motivation seems to be lost and I'm having a hard time finding it. Yesterday a sweet friend brought by a "box of love" filled with treats, pink lemonade, socks and other cozy things. It totally made my day and improved my mood. I was able to clean my kitchen and tidy up the house for my dear Mr. Stannix before he arrived home.

Luckily, life isn't all bad. We've had an awesome breakthrough in potty training Hyrum and I haven't changed a dirty diaper of his in three whole days. We still have accidents every day, but with the progress we've made I'm determined to stick with it whatever my mood. I love the way he dances after he's used the potty. He's always so so proud of himself. We have a deal right now that he gets a bowl of ice cream for a number two. One of my favorite things as of late is his, "Yes Mudder". The other day I let out a giggle after he said it. He smirked and a small laugh escaped while he explained, "I can't say Mudder, just Mommy..." I need to record it so I can smile at it down the road when he can pronounce my name.

Overall we are doing alright here in the Stannix home. We just have a few rough days here and there and some hard Mommy moments with patience being stretched between three energetic littles. I'm so grateful for good friends, a wonderful husband, and the Gospel. Without a knowledge of my Savior and the atonement, this trial might be unbearably difficult. I've had the opportunity to read through old conference talks and be uplifted by the words of prophets and apostles.

"My dear sisters, as you live your daily life with all its blessings and challenges, let me assure you that the Lord loves you. He knows you. He listens to your prayers, and He answers those prayers, wherever on this world you may be. He wants you to succeed in this life and in eternity."

~President Dieter F.Uchtdorf

One of my friends came for a visit the other day, and as I related how I was feeling she reminded me that the Lord loves me, and knows me. I always like visiting with her, because she always seems to know exactly what to say. She also reminded me of this little tid bit from a favorite talk of mine.

"I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It’s wonderful that you have strengths. And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses... In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him."

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

And so we press forward. Taking on each day one at a time and trying not to have too high of expectations. If all I've accomplished in a day is making my children happy, that should count for something.... right? Their smiles and funny way with words keep me going each day. There is no other job I would rather be doing right now!

A Giraffe Fettish

 Camilla has been drawing giraffes lately. They are super cute! I need to scan some more of her awesome drawings to put in our books. I love hanging them on my fridge! It's so fun to watch her work grow and change with her. She is getting so so big! She's so heavy I can hardly lift her now! She talks nonstop and makes great conversation with anyone she meets. She is definitely a little social butterfly! 

Meet Boogley and Spot.

Sleepy Giggles

 It's been a productive morning already! I started some bread dough early this morning when Joe woke up and just pulled it out of the oven. Warm bread and butter makes the best morning snack. The littles and I rocked out in the kitchen to this song. It's got a really great beat and always gets everyone dancing. Joseph still takes a morning nap and as long as he keeps sleeping so well at night, I'm going to hold onto them! I love putting him to sleep.

We snuggle on the bed for a bit while he drinks a morning bottle.

Then I smooch him, nibble his cheeks and make him giggle.

Then we both laugh for a few minutes before I tuck him into the crib. It's probably my favorite part of the whole morning!

This Face

Mr. H stuck these on today and made me laugh so much!

It's only funny because they kind of suit him...

Still can't put my finger on who he looks like here.

Feeling Like a Winner

Today could've been a Monday.

I'm totally feeling blue.

I feel like the worst homemaker ever.

My biggest accomplishment was washing the kitchen floor.

The pots and pans are piling up on my counter.

The kiddos were busy and we were all over this afternoon.

I had zero luck dress shopping and the CA ball is next Saturday.

That's what happens when you switch from a maternity to regular sized unexpectedly.

I lost Mikes cell phone in the mall parking lot and someone jacked it.

I felt terrible!
Mike didn't even get mad, he's pretty swell.

My eyes are sore and my head hurts from crying.

And my children had "Timportance" (say it really fast, you'll get it) for dinner.

Epic fail of a day...

Around the Block

The weather today was so gorgeous we had to go out and enjoy it for ourselves! Just after lunch (and before naps mind you) we went for a walk to get the mail. Once we actually got to the mail box, the littles wanted to keep going, so we circled around the block splashing in puddles and slipping on ice. I didn't think that I could feel JOY again so soon after a loss, but watching the three of them make their way around the block filled my heart to the brim and put a smile on my face. We took our time, slowed life down for an hour, laughed and giggled, slid and fell in some puddles, and splashed to our hearts content. The sunshine was just what we all needed and the air was so refreshing! After we got home Hyrum and Camilla ran laps back and forth from the black box to the yellow fire-hydrant until they had finally tuckered themselves out.

  And while I have a few minutes I need to quickly write a bit about each of these kids before I forget! Camilla has been super helpful lately! She loves to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer without being asked. I appreciate it, even if it means the clean clothes from the dryer end up somehow scattered all over the basement. She doesn't like the crust on her sandwiches and frequently leaves them on her plate after eating the rest of the softer bread. The other day she dressed her brother up as a girl for the first time. She slicked his hair down with water and put a nice dress on him. It reminded me of the things my sister and I used to do to my little brother. She hates when people cough because she has a fear that they will throw up or choke. She is super looking forward to Spring and Summer and told me the other day, "I don't really like the season of Winter..." She keeps listing off all of the fun things she is looking forward to doing in the Summer like swimming in her pool, playing soccer, and jumping on her trampoline. The other day she asked Hyrum, "How much do you love me?" He responded, "I love you three times ago!" Then she asked, "You won't ever leave me? Or flush me down the toilet?" The things they come up with make me laugh.  When she puts on her jammies she sometimes leaves her clothes on underneath to save time in the morning.  At days end we walk up two flights of stairs gathering all of the stuffed animals and bringing them back upstairs to fill her bed. She's very particular about these stuffed animals and spends at least five minutes before bed organizing them. Each has a specific spot and she leaves hardly any room for herself in that big double bed!

Hyrum is quite the character and talks almost as much as his sister now. He is always saying funny, random things like, "Don't bweak it! This cost's money!" or "I'm pwoud of me, and I'm pwoud of you too Camilla." We are still working on the potty training. It kind of goes week by week with good and bad days and then we take a break if things are really bad. He covers his ears at loud noises or wind. He likes to nap in our bed with Dumbledore's wand in hand and casts funny spells he remembers from the first few Harry Potter movies he has seen. He is constantly trying to sneak into bed with us at night and always always comes in for morning cuddles around 6:00am. He still gives me the best smooches, right on the lips, but I'm sure he'll grow out of it soon enough!

Joseph changes every day it seems! I can't believe how fast he is growing up. He has definitely been giving us a run for our money lately and has been dubbed the climber of the three. He sometimes crawls under the bench blocking the stairs and then uses a stair to get on the bench and stand up. Or when he is downstairs he will climb on a kids chair and onto the kids table and stand right in the middle. He is always trying to conquer new heights and bust out of his crib it seems. I may end up moving him to a bed sooner than the other two. He likes to babble and tries to make words. He's got "please" down, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what he's saying. He also loves to wave and say, "Byeeeee" in a sweet little voice. He also has specific yells when he's calling for either of his older siblings. He likes to shake his head while he talks and pretend he's deep in conversation. Joe's hands are constantly on the go as his mind works and schemes. He likes to play tricks and test his limits and will always grin ear to ear when caught doing something he shouldn't. He points and babbles at everything. Around Christmas time he started saying what sounds like, "Dad! Look!" while he would point at something or other in the room. His Dad his is very favorite person and he waits by the window every day for his homecoming. One of his newest things is to grab your hand or clothes and drag you around. The cutest was one Sunday when he kept grabbing Camilla's dress and taking her to the playroom. He's started using this dragging tactic to show us what he wants or where he wants to go. He's learning how to do stairs and loves when I let him try it on his own. He has learned how to give the best hugs to his older siblings and would be lost without them! They are his sole entertainment and when they aren't around he paces the house bored out of his tree. I always think how lucky he is to have older siblings to play with.

Scrub-a-dub-dub

Lately I've been trying to have separate baths for the littles, but tonight they insisted on piling in all together.

I love our big soaker tub downstairs because it gives them plenty of room and minimizes the water that gets splashed over the edge.

Whenever I bath them I fall in love with those shiny clean faces of theirs!

An Eternal Perspective

It was a snowy afternoon in mid January. The day I had been looking forward to since October had finally arrived and I couldn't wait to see our little baby on the ultrasound screen. The night before I was feeling anxious and hoping everything would be okay. At 20 weeks I should be feeling the baby move, and I hadn't been. I said a teary eyed prayer asking my Father in heaven for the comfort and strength I might need. The next day I dropped the children at a dear friends and rushed off to my appointment.

At my ultrasound my worst fear became a reality as the doctor came in to deliver sad news. I spent a few minutes in shock. News like this isn't something you might expect to get at a regular 20 week ultrasound. I stared wide-eyed at the doctor, nodding and struggling to breath as he told me we had lost the baby a few weeks earlier. When the tech handed me a tissue box a few tears slipped out. Instead of taking my time as I should have, I let myself have a quick cry and then rushed to be with my littles. As I crossed the parking lot my eyes welled with tears and I let them flow freely all the way back to my friends home where we shared an embrace and cried on the floor in her entryway. When I was finally feeling better we left to pickup Daddy from work.

The whole week I struggled with a whirl wind of emotions. I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't caught that flu twice in December. Maybe if I had taken better care of myself. I struggled with feelings of guilt and remorse. I felt like a failure. I thought that if I were a better mother, this might not have happened and this precious gift might not have been taken away from me. I pondered the difference between a trial and punishment for a long time. I had no desire to talk with too many people and spent my days holding those I loved close.

I hesitated writing this until I spoke with a nurse on the phone. "This is a part of your life story now,"  she said to me. And since this blog and the books we make it into are our life story, it needed to be included, happy or not. Life can be so so hard and seem so unfair at times, but we can always find something to be learned and our Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle through Faith.

That week I cherished my children more than I ever had before. Every snuggle, every chance I got to kiss them on the cheek, every belly laugh, every smile, and every moment I peeked in on them before going to bed to see their closed eyes and still bodies dreaming happy things. I cried as I gently rubbed Camilla's little back before bed one night, remembering how small she once was. I held on extra tight to Mr. H when he would give me hugs for no reason.

The week lasted what seemed like forever, with so many decisions to be made and so much time to wait. But as each day went on, it got a little easier, and I was able to smile more and feel at peace. We were blessed with great church leaders who stopped by and offered blessings of comfort and healing. I wept through each one, still coming to terms with what had happened. I have been blessed with great friends and family whose words of advice helped turn this from a negative experience, into something sacred and never to be forgotten. Delicious meals were brought by family and friends and sweet notes were sent our way. I waited by the phone each morning for the call that would let me know when I could come in to the hospital where they would induce labour.

That call finally came Thursday morning. I left the cookie jar full of homemade cookies for the children and embraced one of the best friends I have here as I left her to care for my children until my Mum arrived. We arrived on the labour and delivery unit where they began the induction early afternoon. I was given my first IV ever (after three attempts) and was put on oxytocin shortly after dinner. I felt so disappointed in my body which has naturally carried out three previous births so well and quick. I was so grateful for a supportive husband who comforted me while I endured the longest labour of my life. After it happened I buried my face in my hands and wept for a long time as my dear husband pulled me close and ran his fingers through my hair. For the rest of the night that hospital room felt like a sacred place and feelings of peace and comfort enveloped us. We waited a few hours to make sure everything went as it should and hoping I wouldn't need further surgery. Thankfully my body performed well and the doctor granted my wish to go home to sleep for the night with my husband at my side and my children close by.

My first day home was difficult. I couldn't walk without assistance for fear of blacking out or losing my footing. My body still felt drugged and slow. My limbs would go numb after minimal movement and my ears would ring. I was still in shock and coming to grips with what had happened. My kids were more in my scopes again. I could smile at the funny things they would say. At breakfast Camilla shared an idea to bring me breakfast in bed. I listened from my room as Hyrum responded, "but don't hide it behind your back, or it'll spiwll." I smiled. Joe was suddenly my baby again. He seemed so little and so big all at the same time. And their little voices rang in my ears louder than before as I remembered my role in their lives and took more time to hang onto every moment with them.

The next week I was blessed with extreme peace and patience and never once felt frustrated or angry by the little things like spilled milk or little arguements. My heart was filled with more sympathy and love than ever before and I was able to share that more with my children and family. I would still cry when afternoons got tough or the littles started to get crazy all at the same time. Tears would still fall when I tucked in Camilla at night or shared sweet moments with the children. Mike and I had grown closer together than ever before and there was an unspoken bond that felt forever strengthened. I suppose the loss of a child will do that to a relationship.

How grateful I am for a temple marriage and the knowledge that families are forever. I know that one day I will get to meet our sweet babe and I am already looking forward to it. And though my days are still filled with ups and downs and tears still wet my pillow at night, I know that we will be okay. This is now a part of our life story. A part that has changed and shaped us immensely, and a part we will never forget.