An Eternal Perspective

It was a snowy afternoon in mid January. The day I had been looking forward to since October had finally arrived and I couldn't wait to see our little baby on the ultrasound screen. The night before I was feeling anxious and hoping everything would be okay. At 20 weeks I should be feeling the baby move, and I hadn't been. I said a teary eyed prayer asking my Father in heaven for the comfort and strength I might need. The next day I dropped the children at a dear friends and rushed off to my appointment.

At my ultrasound my worst fear became a reality as the doctor came in to deliver sad news. I spent a few minutes in shock. News like this isn't something you might expect to get at a regular 20 week ultrasound. I stared wide-eyed at the doctor, nodding and struggling to breath as he told me we had lost the baby a few weeks earlier. When the tech handed me a tissue box a few tears slipped out. Instead of taking my time as I should have, I let myself have a quick cry and then rushed to be with my littles. As I crossed the parking lot my eyes welled with tears and I let them flow freely all the way back to my friends home where we shared an embrace and cried on the floor in her entryway. When I was finally feeling better we left to pickup Daddy from work.

The whole week I struggled with a whirl wind of emotions. I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't caught that flu twice in December. Maybe if I had taken better care of myself. I struggled with feelings of guilt and remorse. I felt like a failure. I thought that if I were a better mother, this might not have happened and this precious gift might not have been taken away from me. I pondered the difference between a trial and punishment for a long time. I had no desire to talk with too many people and spent my days holding those I loved close.

I hesitated writing this until I spoke with a nurse on the phone. "This is a part of your life story now,"  she said to me. And since this blog and the books we make it into are our life story, it needed to be included, happy or not. Life can be so so hard and seem so unfair at times, but we can always find something to be learned and our Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle through Faith.

That week I cherished my children more than I ever had before. Every snuggle, every chance I got to kiss them on the cheek, every belly laugh, every smile, and every moment I peeked in on them before going to bed to see their closed eyes and still bodies dreaming happy things. I cried as I gently rubbed Camilla's little back before bed one night, remembering how small she once was. I held on extra tight to Mr. H when he would give me hugs for no reason.

The week lasted what seemed like forever, with so many decisions to be made and so much time to wait. But as each day went on, it got a little easier, and I was able to smile more and feel at peace. We were blessed with great church leaders who stopped by and offered blessings of comfort and healing. I wept through each one, still coming to terms with what had happened. I have been blessed with great friends and family whose words of advice helped turn this from a negative experience, into something sacred and never to be forgotten. Delicious meals were brought by family and friends and sweet notes were sent our way. I waited by the phone each morning for the call that would let me know when I could come in to the hospital where they would induce labour.

That call finally came Thursday morning. I left the cookie jar full of homemade cookies for the children and embraced one of the best friends I have here as I left her to care for my children until my Mum arrived. We arrived on the labour and delivery unit where they began the induction early afternoon. I was given my first IV ever (after three attempts) and was put on oxytocin shortly after dinner. I felt so disappointed in my body which has naturally carried out three previous births so well and quick. I was so grateful for a supportive husband who comforted me while I endured the longest labour of my life. After it happened I buried my face in my hands and wept for a long time as my dear husband pulled me close and ran his fingers through my hair. For the rest of the night that hospital room felt like a sacred place and feelings of peace and comfort enveloped us. We waited a few hours to make sure everything went as it should and hoping I wouldn't need further surgery. Thankfully my body performed well and the doctor granted my wish to go home to sleep for the night with my husband at my side and my children close by.

My first day home was difficult. I couldn't walk without assistance for fear of blacking out or losing my footing. My body still felt drugged and slow. My limbs would go numb after minimal movement and my ears would ring. I was still in shock and coming to grips with what had happened. My kids were more in my scopes again. I could smile at the funny things they would say. At breakfast Camilla shared an idea to bring me breakfast in bed. I listened from my room as Hyrum responded, "but don't hide it behind your back, or it'll spiwll." I smiled. Joe was suddenly my baby again. He seemed so little and so big all at the same time. And their little voices rang in my ears louder than before as I remembered my role in their lives and took more time to hang onto every moment with them.

The next week I was blessed with extreme peace and patience and never once felt frustrated or angry by the little things like spilled milk or little arguements. My heart was filled with more sympathy and love than ever before and I was able to share that more with my children and family. I would still cry when afternoons got tough or the littles started to get crazy all at the same time. Tears would still fall when I tucked in Camilla at night or shared sweet moments with the children. Mike and I had grown closer together than ever before and there was an unspoken bond that felt forever strengthened. I suppose the loss of a child will do that to a relationship.

How grateful I am for a temple marriage and the knowledge that families are forever. I know that one day I will get to meet our sweet babe and I am already looking forward to it. And though my days are still filled with ups and downs and tears still wet my pillow at night, I know that we will be okay. This is now a part of our life story. A part that has changed and shaped us immensely, and a part we will never forget.

Family Time

Today started out slow. To save my sanity I took the kiddos grocery shopping before lunch for the free cookie and some time outside the house. They were actually pretty good and had a few funny conversations with some of the Gramma's we met at the store. As we made our way down the cereal aisle Camilla spotted a yellow sale tag, "Mom! Fruitloops are on sale!" Hyrum chimed in, "I LOVE loopies!" It made me laugh, how could I resist? After we got home we even had a bowl for lunch. I managed to get all of the littles to nap around 1:00PM and squeezed in a much needed rest for myself. Everyone woke up so happy. It's been so nice to feel the increase of love in our home this week and to watch the littles get along so well together.

Around dinner time I was feeling spontaneous. We picked Daddy up from work and went for some family time at Red Robins. It was nice to get dressed up a bit (and by that I mean my hair actually got done and I may have ditched my glasses for contacts). The kids were excited to get out of the house and eat out!

 I could have snapped pictures of Joseph the whole time we were there. He's such a ham!

 He loved sitting by his Daddy for the evening!

 I got to snuggle my munchkins on the booth side of the table. I started out sitting between them, but they love each other too much.

After dinner there was some snuggling on the spacious bench.

  And at the end of the meal they hardly even ate their ice cream because they wanted their helium balloon so badly. Poor Camilla had terrible luck with her balloon. We tied it tight to her wrist before exiting the building but when she was lifted into her seat the balloon popped off the end of her string and flew away. Daddy went in and grabbed her another one. Just as we exited the parking lot, the second balloon popped and our little lady burst into tears. Thankfully her brother let her hold his once we were home.

Getting Along

 The littles got along so well today (for the most part) which was a huge help for me!

Joseph spent some of the morning cuddling up to Camilla's puppy.

It's so hard to dress him sometimes, but I like seeing his chubby arms and thighs anyways.

 

Camilla and Hyrum were "best fwiends" all day.

I loved hearing them giggle and play pretend together.

They played with their playdough at the table for an hour and made a whole family of worms.

Love them.

 

After naps, the boys hung out together for a while.

They like to look out the window for cars and for their Daddy to come home.

It was a nice change.

Usually Hyrum is belly checking him, punching him, or hugging him a little too hard.

I liked watching them be friends.

I loved watching Hyrum take on his role as big brother and protector so well.

Afternoon Snuggles

This afternoon I got to snuggle this little boy at nap time.

My Little Muppet

Love. This. Face.

Back to Normal

I came downstairs after grocery shopping to find the biggest mess.

 I think it's safe to say that Hyrum is feeling better...

This picture pretty much describes my whole day today.

Camilla was a sweetheart and picked them up one by one to be washed.

After Mr. H and I had a talk, he offered to help too.

This is him tucked into our bed at approximately 8:12PM after a very long day.

The Winter Party

Tonight was the annual Winter Party for Mike's firm. This year it was held in one of the ballrooms at the Matrix Hotel downtown. We showed up right on time and mingled while everyone waited for dinner. We enjoyed our classic sprite while everyone else enjoyed drinks of the fancier kind. Between visiting we also snagged some appetizers as we walked around the room. 

Dinner was finally served at 8:00PM, beginning with bread and some fancy butter. The tables are always decked out and now that I've done this for a few years the forks and knives don't intimidate me so much. After we finished our warm buns and butter, we were brought out a small salad which was topped on thin slices of roasted pear. For the main course we enjoyed prime rib, mashed potatoes, gravy, and lightly steamed vegetables. Dessert was warm bread pudding with whip cream. They must have known Mr. Stannix isn't a fan of raisins because I think he only found one in his whole piece. The food was great and it was fun to get to know some more of the people that Mike works with every day. Sometimes when I go to these things I feel like I meet the same people once a year, but it's nice to actually start seeing familiar faces and to remember names.

 

Just before we left I snapped a picture of us in the lobby. Mr. Stannix was looking quite handsome in his suit and tie! We had a lot of fun together. Big thanks to Arland and Naomi for babysitting our littles!

Friday Night Pizza

Tonight the littles helped me put together some homemade pizza for dinner. They love to pull their chairs up to the island and help when they can. Pizza is fun because they lick their spoons after spreading the sauce and nibble on cheese and ham while we make it. It's awesome to have the extra help and it makes dinner time more fun. Hyrum liked to put his cheese in a pile, while Camilla was more experienced and sprinkled it. I hope this is a tradition that will carry on!

A Glimps of the Morning

 We lucked out this morning and got to have Daddy around for an extra hour or so. We all took it easy and got to have a nice breakfast together. Daddy could hardly eat and get himself ready with Joseph clinging to his leg and begging to be "up" in his sweet little baby voice. Daddy is his favorite pal!

Shortly after breakfast, Hyrum transformed into his super self and ran circles around the house exclaiming, "SUPER HYMUM! TO THE WESCUE!" 

 He talks so much lately and I always get a kick out of the things he says. The other day he was rubbing his eyes and looking under the weather. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "My head feels like crocodiles, Mommy...". And at the dinner table last night he kept feeling my belly and saying things like, "I think it's a sister" and "Maybe it's TWINS!" and "Does it squeak?" 

Love that little super hero of mine!

Pondering Motherhood

My day today began at 4:30 AM when I heard my two oldest downstairs whispering. I went down to investigate and sent them back to bed. Camilla slept until 8:00 but Hyrum never did go back to sleep in our bed. While I made breakfast, Hyrum ran circles around the kitchen and asked a million questions. "Ya wanna play Uno Mommy?" I stood there wishing I could steal some of his energy for myself. The children spent the morning burning energy in pretend play. After a quick lunch I took the boys up for their nap, and squeezed in a few winks myself. When Joe woke from his nap he was clicking his tongue like he does when he's hungry. I chatted on the phone with my Mum while he ate in his chair. When he was finished I pulled him out only to get a handful of poop and to hear the rest plop on the floor by my toes. To much information, I know, but this is the real deal. I did some damage control in the tub before finally running him a nice warm bath and changing my shirt. Then he gave me the sweetest grins ever and I could hardly resist smooching those shiny little cheeks of his over and over again.

Hyrum then woke before he was ready and proceeded to whine and cry for the next hour. After all that I still had a floor to clean and disinfect! I left Joe under the watchful eye of his big sister while I scrubbed and listened to Mr. H whine on the stairs. Camilla's belly giggles were much welcomed as Joe climbed all over her and played.

Sunday was another tough day. People who read this blog probably wonder why we even attempt church when it mostly ends in a gongshow. Even though there are Sundays where I end up crying in frustration, I know that being there is the right thing for our family, for our kids, and over all we end up leaving feeling more uplifted then when we arrived. This Sunday was no different. When we first pulled into the parking lot Camilla burst into tears because she left her beloved stuffed dog, Cody at home. She cried all the way in and pouted all through the first meeting. Hyrum bolted to the chapel like he does every Sunday. Joseph wasn't content to sit still at all and Mike and I each halved our time spent with him in the hallway where he would wiggle, squirm, scream and fight until we let him run free. My favorite part was when he finally gave in and napped. I sat in a quiet room for ten minuted by myself, pondering Sundays and motherhood and recent trials. When church was finished I found happy kids who were uplifted and enriched by their Sunday lessons. When I asked Camilla to please get her coat on she responded with a "yes, mother!" (thanks to her lesson on choosing the right). Everyone listened well while we braved the cold to the car and we left feeling better than when we came.

I've been thinking a lot lately on this wonderful, ever changing role of motherhood and how I can do a better job. It isn't by any means an easy task and I definitely have my share of bad days and tough moments with the littles. Motherhood is by far one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've found myself wishing I could be more patient, more slow to anger, and more observant. I sometimes wish I could be a gourmet chef and prepare more than PB&J for lunch. I wish I could find a way to make my children magically eat their vegetables and gobble up their dinners without a fight. How did my Mum make this look so easy? How can I be that mother I dream of being instead of the one that's barely treading water somedays? How can I feel more joy throughout my days? I know that the joy of motherhood comes in moments, but with three rambunctious littles, sometimes those moments are hard to spot in the chaos of everyday life.

It's amazing what a simple prayer can do. I find that I need a prayer in my heart all day long to help me be more patient and kind when there's messes made or problems to solve.

And sometimes it's the simple things like finding toy cars in my washing machine, wooden blocks in my dryer, alphabet magnets in my pots and pans and rubber ducks in my toilet that cause me to smile and that lend perspective to the joyous journey of raising children.

Yes, even during family home evening tonight when I was trying to read over the endless energy my children seemed to have while paper airplanes were whizzing passed my head, I couldn't help but smile. This is my life. It is chaotic, crazy, sometimes hard... But it is mine, and it is wonderful!