Resolutions & Grace

Our morning started out nice and slow, as Monday mornings should.  After a wonderful blur of a Christmas break we are gently easing back into reality. The littles began their online schooling today and made it to all of their scheduled google meets (yay!). Camilla scooped up Lily and cuddled her on her shoulder while she did her school work on the computer this morning. All of the littles introduced their baby sister in their "show and share" moments and it was adorable listening to them answer questions about when she was born and what her name was. Joe even pointed out to his teacher that Lily sleeps best when there's lots of noise. His teacher replied that she came to the right family, and then clarified that we don't have a noisy family, just that there's lots of us. Ha! 

 

After all of the school work was complete, I went to the store because we were in desperate need of groceries after the holiday left-overs had been eaten. Lily slept the entire time we were gone and the hour of peace and quiet was much needed. I barely got all of the groceries unloaded before Lily woke and cried. When I  came in with the last load, big sister was already unbelting her carseat. It was  then that we discovered she had blown out of her diaper and Lily was quickly passed over to me while Camilla scrunched her nose and went to the bathroom to wash up. 

The afternoon was a whirlwind of feedings, noise, and chaos. The older two baked up their famous snickerdoodle cake. I may or may not have locked a few of the boys outside to play for a half hour. While I made dinner a parade of little boys ran back and forth through my kitchen from one end of the house to the other, with Sawyer trailing behind them giggling hysterically. They like to play this game often where they all sneak and run away and Sawyer tries to find them. Lily quietly slept in the middle of it all, never waking when they whizzed by yelling and screaming and laughing. My music played in the background while the lasagna baked and I sat bleary eyed at the kitchen table ignoring the craziness. 

By the time the evening rolled around I was feeling pretty exhausted. I had only managed a few winks of sleep during the night and my days are full and busy. We said family prayers, tucked the littles into bed and then I put my feet up for a little while. I have been teetering on the edge emotionally as my hormones straighten out and I adjust to life as a mother of seven with a newborn. There are many moments of sheer joy, where my heart feels as though it will leap from my chest. And then there are moments where I'm blinking  back tears and willing away negative thoughts of failure as I struggle with lack of sleep and seemingly unachievable goals. 

When I set goals for myself this year, many of them centered around things I'd like to do to become a better mother, talents I'd like to develop, and habits that I've missed (like daily journal writing and regular study). I always anticipate the new year with great excitement as I think about all of the new things I want to do and accomplish and who I'd like to become. Like, it's ridiculous how excited I get for January to come around and seasons to change. I love new beginnings and opportunities to start fresh. Often, after the first few days I find myself getting discouraged because my busy life doesn't allow me to do the things I had planned, or I find myself frustrated with how I dealt with a certain situation, wishing I had practiced more patience and self mastery. 

As I lamented my woes to my dear Mr. Stannix tonight he wisely responded. "You should have ONE goal for 2021. Love your baby. The rest just doesn't matter. Do the things that need to be done and who cares if the rest of the house falls apart. I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father just wants you to love your baby." It was profound. I hugged him as I blinked back tears, grateful for his understanding and counsel. 

 

When I got ready for bed, I noticed the pile of laundry that I had intended to fold today was pushed off the bed and onto the floor (like it often is) where it will wait for me to pick it back up and put it onto my freshly made bed in the morning (and then probably wait some more to be folded). I truly am too busy soaking in this newborn stage to worry about folding laundry or tidying toys. And knowing that Mike doesn't care what state the house is in made me feel one hundred times better. Sometimes having the right perspective can change everything.

 

While I'm not entirely giving up on bettering myself and developing new talents and habits in 2021, I am going to allow myself some grace. My desired daily habits may not be daily (yet), but I'm determined to keep trying. In the meantime, I will be spending these bleak mid-winter days soaking in my children and cherishing these fleeting moments where our home feels like it's been blessed with a piece of heaven.