I was just sitting by the Christmas tree in the dimly lit living room reflecting on my day and my mind was suddenly flooded with so many thoughts and words. I knew that I needed to jump on here and write just to unwind and hopefully feel a little bit better after a long, hard mommy day.
I've been feeling so frustrated lately. We are all tired and I feel like Christmas has kind of been thrown together this year. We've missed a few of our fun traditions and there isn't enough hours in a day to accomplish all of the things that I want to. I always think that Christmas should just magically be the time of year where we all try our best to be kind and get along and speak softly and feel peace, but this year I feel like we are majorly failing in that department. The littles are cranky with each other, and with me. They are at each other all day long it seems and inside I'm screaming this is not how I taught you to behave!!! There was a lot of yelling, and frustration, and sadness today on all accounts. It's so not Christmas spirit-like. But how can I be justified in getting frustrated with the kids for their lousy moods when mine isn't so great either? I could blame my mood on the fact that I missed lunch and ate way too much chocolate, but truthfully those things shouldn't dictate my mood. It's so hard to choose happy though when you feel like you're failing every time you turn around.
Mike and I have both been feeling a little on the tired side this month. We have so much going on with church and our crazy family and the days just seem to be melting into each other. I've been stressing about Christmas. I think I've bought ONE gift. We have five kids and Christmas is like T-minus 12 days away. Yikes. The other night I had a nightmare about forgetting to prepare dinner for my entire family while we are staying at the Cabin over Christmas. I've been planning, stressing, worrying and trying to keep up with life. It's super frustrating to want to reach out and serve so many around you, but be so burnt out after giving your all to your own little family. I also hate asking for help. Mr. Stannix lovingly joked on the phone with my Dad the other night that I would rather lie down and die before inconveniencing anyone. I almost snorted my egg nog when he said it, because it's absolutely true (and I've never heard it described that way before). He knows me so well.
I took the boys to the chiropractor this morning for their monthly check-up. She is so great with them and they lie so still. Next we stopped at the post office to mail some letters and buy some more stamps for Christmas cards. The boys were super antsy and I regretting getting out of the car as soon as we walked through the front door. While they are usually a tad crazy, this time they were actually crazy. Joe kept flopping on the floor every time I grabbed his arm and then he started throwing his coat in the air and catching it while a smirk teased the corners of his mouth. He had that mischievous twinkle in his eye and I knew I was done for. As we stood in the line Joe kept dropping my letters (which I let him "help" me with as a distraction) over and over again. When I picked them up I said, "Alright, you're fired," and handed them to Fin. Without even blinking he retorted, "You can't fire me! I QUIT!" and folded his arms across his chest for good measure as that sneaky smirk crept up on his lips again and his eyes shot me a challenging glance. Then I did something I hadn't done all day. I laughed. Out loud! I couldn't help it. The line-up kept getting bigger and bigger. I had to fill out a few extra papers. At one point the boys were running circles around a poor lady in line and laughing their heads off. To make matters worse I ran into somebody I knew! When we were finished I escorted them out to the van, buckled them in not-so-kindly and cried all the way home. I wanted to quit.
I spent the afternoon stewing over my morning and trying to get into Joe's head and figure out where he's coming from and why he is acting the way he is lately. He has some anxiety issues and other things, and could probably use some more mommy time. I tried to brainstorm how to bring the Christmas spirit back into our home and how to make my kids magically get along again. I decided that TV time would be cut by more than half (with the exception of Christmas movies of course) and the Wii would be shut off for the next few weeks. I feel like video games and TV are turning their brains to mush. While it is a lot harder to say no and direct them to another activity, I'm pretty sure it will be a huge game changer around here.
Just before dinner all four of the boys were cuddled up around the Christmas tree. Ollie was lying on Hyrum's chest and the other boys were right next to each other. The fun and giggling lasted only a few minutes, but it was definitely a bright spot compared to the rest of my day.
Most of the kids are in bed now, and as I snuggled next to Joe tonight I couldn't help but take an extra few minutes at days end to gaze on his sleeping face and take note of his freckled nose and the way his eyelashes gently brush his cheeks. The big kids surprised me with homemade Christmas cards which they carefully constructed while I was tucking in the little boys. Camilla's was filled with a sweet note that read "Marry Christmas Mom. I love you and I want you to no that you are the best mom a girl could ask for. I have a little present for you. Can you guess? It's a HUG!" She also gave me a matching bookmark that says "Crawl into a book". She's a keeper for sure.
In my hopes to enjoy this season a little more I think I've decided to quit stressing over things that are out of my control and to quite worrying about the commercial aspect of Christmas. I am super excited to spend a few days together with my entire family over Christmas. As we read our Christmas stories each night I can't help but be reminded of the real reason for the season. Over these next few weeks I will be doing things simple, saying "no" to more so I don't burn myself out, and trying my hardest to soak up these littles of mine that are growing up so crazy fast!
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