Life lately

The months are flying by and the days seem to blend. I can't believe October is almost gone! I've had this post sitting in my drafts folder for a little while now, adding to it here and there whenever I have a few minutes. Although we're getting into more of a routine around here, most days are still a sleep deprived blur. Sometimes when I think back to a couple of days ago I can't seem to remember anything significant about it. This is why writing is so important to me. I like to document our days because I want to hang onto the tiny details of life that slip between the cracks and sometimes go unnoticed. I don't want to look back at these fleeting years with our littles and wonder what we did or forget the cute stuff they said.

Thanks to the darkness of Winter creeping up our mornings begin before the sun even rises. Lately I wake snuggled beside a little boy or two who crept into my bed sometime in the night for warmth or comfort. I always let them stay because I know it won't last forever and sometimes they need those extra snuggles. Joseph's tummy wakes him up each morning and it isn't long before he starts asking for breakfast. "Please make me breakfast mom," he says. Then he throws his head back and slouches his shoulders and adds rather desperately, "I'm BEGGIN' you!" The older two get themselves dressed first thing and wander upstairs for breakfast. While they eat I pack Camilla's lunch and listen to her read. We do a quick scripture study and family prayer and sometimes they have a few minutes to play before we wave Camilla off on her bus.

One morning while I was making breakfast the kids came up and excitedly led me downstairs. They had spontaneously decided to clean the whole basement without being asked. "We wanted to make your heart happy," they said. They were all being so sweet and getting along so well that it made my mamma heart swell with pride.

Oliver usually sleeps through the school routine and wakes shortly after the bus drives by. He greets us with morning smiles and sweet baby coos. Joseph sits near him as I change his diaper and sings him a song. One morning he was singing "A Bushel and a Peck" and said, "you bet your dirty neck I doooo!" I started laughing and he knew it didn't sound quite right so he asked, "Mom, how does it go again?" He asked me the same question each time he got to the end of the verse and Oliver just smiled away at him.

The boys spend their mornings playing together! Most of the time they get along so well, and then sometimes my eyes start to twitch when I have to listen to Finley scream in frustration. Usually when I go down to see what's going on I find Joseph with a sly smirk on his face. He delights in bugging his little brother to no end and I never know whether I'm more upset at Joseph for bugging or at Finley for his ear piercing scream!

Fin is at such a fun age right now and I'm soaking up all his cuteness before the terrible twos set in. He loves to copy and mimic everything and sometimes its hilarious! If Ollie is screaming in the car Finley will start imitating him. He sounds like a monster growling. He also copies Joe when he throws his tantrums. Every word and action right down to the shrugging, stomping, flailing like a rag doll and the "No, Mom!" It's hard to be serious when I'm watching one real tantrum and one fake tantrum. Finley has become quite the actor! Eventually, Joe forgets what he was whining about and ends up furious at his little brother. "Make him stop copying me mom! I'm BEGGIN' you!" And I can't stop laughing.

Sometimes when things get too crazy or a diaper is too messy I run my toddler a mid afternoon bath. He enjoys the quiet time, and so do I. When his fingers turn into raisins and his bath water is cold I snuggle him into a warm towel and wiggle him into a fresh outfit. 

The demands to play are never ceasing. I often have to look at the pile of dishes or the mess of toys and decide that I've cleaned enough. It's so hard to allocate the proper time to things. I would love to spend all of my day light hours playing with the children, but then they wouldn't have clean clothes or clean plates to eat off. I try really hard to rotate between cleaning and playing. The boys love when I get down on the floor with them! One afternoon I started a tickle fight with the little boys downstairs. They jumped all over me, I rocket shipped them onto the couch and we had so much fun! Hyrum came home from the park and came downstairs to see what all the noise was about. I'll never forget the way his face lit up when he saw what we were doing. He ran over without hesitation and joined in. It was so fun! 

I was able to put together a few crafts for the kids this month. While the two little boys are napping my big boys and I craft at the kitchen table, talking in whispers and creating. Looking at their pictures hung on my wall brings me joy and makes our home a happy place!

 

Shortly after Camilla gets home I feel about ready to put my feet up for the day. We all have a little snack together and I listen to Camilla tell me about her day. They all head off to the park to meet up with friends and Finley plays at my feet while I do up the dishes and start dinner. The toughest part of my day is when everyone comes home hungry, the baby is crying and I'm trying to get dinner on the table. These last few weeks have been tough with Mike working late to meet a deadline.

After dinner it's straight into jammies and bed. We have a quick scripture study and family prayer to end the day. When we say "Amen" Finley goes around the circle and gives everyone a goodnight hug. "Nigh-nigh Hy-errr. Night Joes! Wah-you Ah-me-ya!" Sometimes he goes around a few more times and the kids begin to smile and giggle. Then they all agree that Finley hugs are the best!

After doing bedtime solo for almost a week I think I've finally figured it out. Five against one really isn't fair and some nights leave me in tears. Fin is a ball of energy at bed time and by the time I pull up his covers his wiggly body is halfway out of bed again. I tickle him back into bed and pull up the covers as he kicks them off again. I finally give up and let him lay half in his bed while I snuggle Joe. Finley hops in and out of bed while I give Joe his back rub and then the baby wakes. My patience is almost non existent at this point. I nurse the baby while I rub Joe's back and begin to sing primary songs to save my sanity. Joe turns over to tell me he loves me and smooches my cheek. I sing and sing for a good twenty minutes until I'm interrupted by Joe's snoring. I sing one last song, Give Said the Little Stream. Tears fall on Joe's pillow as I sing. Sometimes I feel so small just like that little stream. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference as a mother. I give and give of myself each day until there's almost nothing left to give. I can't help but wonder if the little things and efforts I put in each day will add up to something someday.

Once the house is quiet I usually head into the laundry room to switch over the clothes. On this particular Friday I open the dryer to find the kids clothes tie-dyed red and blue. Someone left wax crayons in their pockets and they melted all over everything in the dryer. Tears of frustration fall down my face as I pull the clothes out one by one and place them in a laundry basket, knowing most of them are beyond saving. 

After folding and tidying and spending some time with Mr. Stannix it's time to tuck Ollie in for the night. I finally fall into bed shortly after eleven. As soon as I fall asleep my favorite preschooler wakes me to help find his lost car. After checking all over his bed and the floor I kiss him good-night with a promise to find it in the morning. He's not too happy about that and before I know it my toddler wakes with the sniffles. I take turns laying with each of them until I hear the baby squeaking and stretching in the next room. I tip-toe across the cold hardwood floor with my eyes half closed and let out a sigh, knowing I have another night of musical beds ahead. After rocking the baby back to sleep he lets out the cutest little giggles that make his whole tummy shake. That sweet little moment is what carries me through my nights.

People keep asking me if I'm okay, if maybe I need to see someone for professional help because I'm sometimes weepy and my days are long. I only wish they knew what I do each day, and that my tears are sometimes out of mere exhaustion. As the mother of a newborn I don't get breaks (except when dear friends kidnap my kids so that I can nap). I like to think that I can do it all and it's hard to accept help. If the kids have a problem it's my name that gets yelled to come and fix it. The fighting is tiring and makes me wonder if I'm not teaching them enough or if they're just being kids. I'm constantly on the move from sun up to sun down and then sometimes still walking the floors to soothe the baby, calm a crying toddler or check on a sick child's fever.  So am I okay? Well, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's normal for the mother of five small children. 

"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones."

~Jeffery R. Holland