Thoughts on Baby

34 1/2 Weeks

This pregnancy has passed by much quicker than any of the others as I answer the demands of four other little people day and night. I have been blessed to have a healthy, strong body and haven't felt the discomforts of pregnancy until very recently. Suddenly bending to pick up toys, finding room for a bouncy toddler on my lap, and sleeping have become more difficult.

In this last month I find myself turning inward and becoming more withdrawn as the children buzz around me with excitement. While baby kicks and squirms from the inside, my toddler kicks and squirms all over me on the outside. In these moments I breath in deeply and resist the urge to push away.

My focus is slowly turning from the housework, social commitments, and outings to the upcoming birth. Throughout the day I find myself reflecting on both the overwhelming joy in anticipation of birth and the inevitable doubt in my ability to mother five children. FIVE! Some days the idea of five fills me with absolute joy, and other days I am left in tears wondering how I will manage.

As I slowly disconnect myself from the world around me, I have taken up a few crochet projects. The yarn running through my fingers as I dip the hook in and out of each stitch calms me while the happy chaos of our home erupts around me. I need these quiet moments to fill my soul and replenish my energy as the birth approaches.

I will be more mentally prepared this time, more immersed in the birthing process. I am more aware of my body and the way it is changing. The braxton hicks have begun, sometimes more painful than others. They come in waves and my body knows this rhythm well. In a few weeks they will become more real and harder to endure. I know this will all pass. I've done it five times before after all.

I can hardly wait to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! Camilla has taken to calling the baby "she" in hopes that it will make her dreams of having a little sister come true. I have been packing the hospital bag little by little and added the little newborn outfits the other day. The anticipation of cuddling something so tiny again makes me giddy. I can't wait to touch that soft baby skin and count fingers and toes.