I have being thinking a lot lately about this particular season in my life. The season where my days are full and busy but I feel like I get nothing accomplished. The season where our days start at the crack of dawn (or even before that) and I feel like I'm constantly making food. The other night before bed I sat in the rocker nursing Finley and began thinking about all of the things I wanted to accomplish. I wanted so badly to submit an essay for publishing, but the deadline is at the end of the month and there is no way I will make it. I want to craft and create and make our home beautiful, but I can't seem to find the time for that either. Sometimes I long for the "me" before I become a mom. The me who enjoyed sports on a daily basis, and had time to play the piano with feeling and emotion (and not the kids pounding on the base notes or screaming at your feet kind of emotion either). And as I sat and thought, and missed "me" I let a few tears fall. I love being a mother with all my heart, and my life is nothing short of amazing, but some times the days are so long and trying that I ache for my "old" life.
The kids have been spending most of their time outdoors lately and I think all of the extra fresh air is tuckering them out. The last few mornings they have slept until after 7:00am which is a miracle around here. The first morning Joseph slept in Finley woke early, peed all over his crib when I changed him, and then overflowed his diaper with poop moments later. The next morning I was able to blend a smoothie and send Daddy off to work and even enjoy a few minutes to myself before I heard their little feet clunk down the stairs. Mornings always go better when I can wake up before them and collect my thoughts.
Yesterday we had an awesome start to the morning. I signed up for a 5K run in July with my siblings and have been procrastinating training for it. Now that the littles are good on their bikes I've decided to push the younger boys in the double stroller while the older two peddle their hearts out a few mornings a week. I'm pretty sure we did around 3K (with lots of water breaks for the littles). I was quite impressed with them and their little legs! It felt good to run again and do something I used to be so passionate about.
After a quick shower we took off to conquer Costco. I was in need of a few things and I am in love with their triangle buns. I met up with an old friend who told me I was brave to come to Costco with four littles. I smiled and thanked her for the compliment. Then I got about ten "wow! You've got your hands full!" comments. And then there was a sweet lady who came up while I stood in line at the checkout and asked, "Is this your family?" I proudly told her, "yes". And she went on to compliment me and praise me with a sympathetic been-there-done-that tone. She commented on how well behaved the kids were and told me I must be a good mom. As she left she patted my shoulder, smiled, and said, "Bless you!" It was so refreshing to hear someone being supportive. I then ran into a favorite elderly couple from way back home who now live in the city. As she went to talk to the kids Camilla piped up and said, "I'm the big helper!" You can tell we get talked to a lot. Camilla knows just what to say. It made us both chuckle. Joseph proceeded to scream and throw an awesome tantrum as they rang my groceries threw and stuffed the cart. He wailed all the way to the doors and across the parking lot. It didn't even phase me, I'm so used to this.
We came home, unloaded the van, fed the baby, had lunch and snacked away the afternoon. The kids spent most of it outside jumping on the trampoline and playing in the sandbox. It was nice. While Finley napped I got in a blog post and then before I knew it I had to get dinner going before soccer. The kiddos scarfed down their dinner and then we were off!
It is super fun watching the kids play soccer and seeing them improve. Tonight I felt so discouraged though after Hyrum proudly ran up and asked, "How was that!?" He had scored a goal, and I missed it because I was so busy watching Joseph run all over the place. This field is particularly close to a busy road and I have to keep a sharp eye on Joe the entire time! Thankfully Mr. Stannix was there to help for a while. Near the end Joseph thought it was hilarious to run away despite my pleas for him to stay close. Daddy had to leave for Young Men's since he was the only councilor there tonight. Which left me bouncing a crying baby and shuffling Joseph back to our spot with my legs as he giggled and flopped around on the grass. Finally he sat on my foot and hugged my leg begging for a ride. I laughed out of frustration and lugged him back to the stroller on my leg while trying to get Finley to sleep in my arms. Just as I got the baby to sleep, Joseph decided to make a run toward the road again. I plopped Finley in Camilla's willing arms and dashed across the field to grab Joseph. We had five minutes left, but I had had it. I belted him into the stroller and walked the short distance to the van to drop him off kicking and screaming. By the time I made it back to grab the chair, Hyrum had finished and happily ran off the field to meet me. "I scored FOUR goals tonight, Mom!" he excitedly told me. I high fived him and acted as excited as I could, telling him how awesome he played (even though I maybe only caught two minutes).
Joseph had cried himself to sleep by the time we pulled into the garage. I carried him in the house only to have him swiftly wake up when the word "jelly beans" was mentioned. Everyone went to bed pretty well and I was really looking forward to having a quiet night. It wasn't long before Finley woke up and needed to be snuggled back to sleep. Shortly after that Joe woke and screamed for the next hour and a half. As I bopped between bedrooms and boys. Mr. Stannix arrived home in time to save my sanity with a slushie. He helped with Joseph while I nursed Finley in the rocker, sipped my slush, and cried. I was so frustrated. I spent the rest of the night trying to console Joseph and the last half of my slushie spent the night melting on Camilla's window sill. We finally determined that Joe had an ear ache and I succumbed to spending the night downstairs watching Treehouse in hopes of distracting him from the pain and getting some sleep. It worked, mostly, but it was still a rough night.
I know this is only a particular season in my life. I know that one day I will have time to do the things I once loved. I adore my children and feel privileged to be their mamma, to comfort them and wipe away their tears and play away these days of imagination and happiness. People tell me all the time, "this too shall pass" but sometimes it just doesn't sooth the frustration or sadness of a particular moment. I like to write about the crazy, real life stuff every now and then because I know that while I will miss all of the amazing things and the awesome milestones, I will also miss this. I will miss the monotony of it all. I will miss dressing kids, brushing teeth, doing dishes, sleepless nights, kissing owies, and having someone to care for constantly. Because I know that, it makes it a little easier to relish this season in life, even though it is trying and difficult some times, it is beautiful and amazing. I am so grateful for each of my children and the things they are teaching me each day.
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