Surviving

One too many times this month my darling husband has come home after a long day at work and asked, "How are you sweetie?" And I respond, "Surviving..." with a forced smile and slight sigh, sometimes choking back tears from an exhausting day of mothering.

sur·vive
 (sər-vīv′)

v. sur·vived, sur·viv·ing, sur·vives

v.intr.

1. To remain alive or in existence.

2. To carry on despite hardships or trauma;

I have been fighting with baby blues for a few months now. I've experienced many blah days and mornings filled with tears, much pondering, feelings of inadequacy, and frustration. Finding joy has become a daily struggle and a top priority on my to-do list. My house is totally in chaos with dirty dishes lining my counter tops and loads of unfolded laundry sitting in baskets in the hall upstairs. I struggle to find time to do school with Camilla because the children play so well together all day and the weather is getting nicer. There have been many times where I've gone to bed at night worrying that I didn't spend enough time with one child or another. Lots of the time I just feel frustrated at the fact that I can't pinpoint where this blah feeling is coming from. Most days my biggest accomplishment is making sure that bellies are full and hugs and kisses have been given more often than not. I am totally in survival mode.

I hate the feeling of just floating through life trying to make it through each day without crying, or getting upset over silly things, or feeling guilty about some mothering woe or another. I find myself cranky when my three year old still wants to be spoon fed his dinner some nights or when we have to play a really long game of I Spy to get someone to eat just a few bites. I let out long sighs when dishes fall off the table and break. And most of the time I have a love-hate relationship with bedtime.

I want so badly to be present each day, to see my children for the amazing little people they are and to give them my full and undivided attention. Sometimes when I am in a grump and they tug at my shirt, or tap on my arm, or hang off my leg begging me to watch them do something or other I don't quite connect with them. Sometimes it's a quick glance when someone says, "Mom! Watch this!" and sometimes I don't fully register the significance of the moment when I just want to get the dishes done or the counters wiped.

I have recently come to the realization that motherhood is so much better when time doesn't exist. We are so much happier when we are not on a schedule, or rushing out the door when there's really no need to rush. Life goes much more smoothly when I just step back, take a deep breath and forget about what time it is and what we should be doing. It's when we take long walks and Camilla goes, "This is the best day ever! Thank-you, thank-you Mommy for taking us on a great walk!" that I feel most fulfilled. Bedtime is much happier when I'm not being a drill sergeant about brushing teeth and getting jammies on just to make an imaginary time crunch. When I forget about time and what I want to do I usually listen to that little girl who wants me to read one more page of "Little House on the Prairie". When I'm not in a hurry I take the time to kiss the boys goodnight a million times just to hear them giggle. When I'm not rushed I cry tears of gratitude and joy as I curl up next to my children in their beds and gaze on their little faces wondering who they are going to become. 

Thank goodness I have a great support system and a loving Heavenly Father who hears my prayers and woes and sends awesome friends to steal the big kids away to the park for a few hours, or bring a meal by, or call to check in. I know that we will make it through this lull soon. As the snow melts away and the seasons are changing, I'm finding my spirits are lifting and changing too.