For Real Life

In writing this blog, I usually like to stick to the good stuff since we publish these posts into books each year. But I suppose it's good for our kids to read about the crazy stuff too right? So here's a little snippet of what's been going down at the Stannix's these days. The sleepless nights, the messes, the arguing between siblings, the struggles and the tears.

I have not had a full nights sleep in about two weeks. I get children at my bedside asking for drinks of water, or help going potty, or quick snuggles to help them fall back to sleep. These last few weeks we have had a child snuggle into our bed in the wee hours of the morning so many times I've lost count. Lately I have been in tears on the couch in the front room while the littles chow down on breakfast and Mr. Stannix heads to work to take care of us. This morning was no different and I just need to write a bit to help me feel better.

Joseph crawled into our bed shortly after 4:00 this morning. He nestled in quick under the glow of the street lights and watched the wind from our open window blow the curtains until he fell back to sleep. About an hour later Hyrum was at my bedside whispering my name over and over again. I replied in lower than a whisper if that's even possible in hopes of keeping Joseph asleep. Sadly it didn't work and I had another early start to my day. I made up some pancakes for the littles and prepped Daddy's lunch while they cooked. When Hyrum got out the syrup the bottle was almost empty, so I made up a quick batch of fresh stuff to go with our pancakes. There was a little fight over who would get which color plate and what color of cup they wanted to go with their plate. Sadly not every one was made happy and one child ended up in tears. We all sat down to enjoy breakfast. I moved Joseph's chocolate milk away from the edge at least three times but it still ended up spilling. I left my breakfast and silently wiped up the spill while choking back tears. After a few refills and seconds of pancakes I made it back to my spot at the table. My breakfast was ice cold, so I threw it on the counter and went to the other room and cried. It sounds super childish, but it is so hard to describe how motherhood stretches you to the limits. Sometimes ya just need a good cry to feel better.

Thanks to pregnancy and a serious lack of sleep my emotions have been out of control. The children are also extra moody and argumentative (and did I mention they quit sleeping?). When they fight I have a super hard time keeping my cool and then I just feel like a horrible mother because my voice level is no where near where I'd like it to be most of the day. I go to sleep at night in tears as feelings of guilt and self pity flow over me. Why can't I be more graceful like so and so? Why can't I have more patience? Why can't I be more Christlike? I long to be more organized, soft spoken, tender hearted, and loving but those kinds of qualities don't come without a lot of work. Motherhood is both difficult and rewarding all at the same time. And though I feel like I'm almost at the end of my rope right now, I am so grateful for the way this role is challenging and refining me.

I am definitely grateful for my three children and a loving husband. I am also grateful for those moments that fill me to the brim with joy. The other night as we held FHE things got a bit crazy. Joseph was trumping around the house in Camilla's rubber boots and the other two were wiggling and squirming on the couch, trying their hardest to listen to Daddy give the lesson. Hyrum would repeat te last words of the sentences in question from just to show us he was listening. "Oh, ressurected?" "Oh, die? I don't wanna die." My heart swelled with love when Camilla piped up, "Don't worry Hyrum, then we be'd ressurected and live with Heavenly Father and be with our family forever and ever and ever!" I couldn't help but think what a comfort that knowledge must be to a child. As I said the closing prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for the knowledge that families can be together forever, I couldn't help but tear up.

I am very grateful that they are so forgiving as I struggle through each day to become the mother I dream of being. I love their "feel better" cards, smooches and hugs. Even though they keep me awake at night, make messes, constantly eat and fight with each other I am so so glad that they are mine forever. I am also so grateful for that Mr. Stannix of mine who came home a couple of hours early from work to mow the lawn and play with the children. He always knows exactly what I need.