Home Sweet Home

Today we finally got the all clear to head home! I couldn't be happier! When Lainey and I arrived at the hospital, we watched the nurse pull out Mike's drain bag and then I packed up his things, helped him get dressed and put on his socks. 

He was still too winded to walk, and carrying all of his bags and a baby car seat was out of the question for me, so a sweet porter came to wheel him and his things down to the main doors while I carried the baby and brought the truck to the front. The cold air didn't do his lungs any favors and he could hardly breath after he climbed into the truck.

 Lainey cried for a short stint until we got moving and then fell asleep for the rest of the drive. The roads were terrible with snow blowing across the highway the entire way home. When we arrived, my parents had moved their vehicle so we could park as close as we could to the back door. I helped Mike in and then went back and grabbed the baby. The littles were so excited to meet her and Lily and Cooper were already cooing over her in her car seat. Soon the fighting over who would hold her first commenced. We settled for short turns all around before she got fussy and wanted to eat. Some of them said, "I KNEW it was going to be a girl!" Some still wished it was another brother... But everyone was delighted to meet her and snuggle her up!

Lily said, "You can just leave her with me if you want to get things done." She's so excited to have a little sister!

Cooper can't get enough of her and shrieks when anyone else holds her. He kept patting the couch for me to sit her beside him, but I told her she doesn't sit yet. Then he lied down and patted beside him, so I lied her beside him.

He hardly left her side all day long!

Some of the kids were still at school for the day, so when they got home they each got their turn to meet their new sister. 

Lainey and Fin snuggled up in front of the TV for over an hour while I was able to get some things done. 

We moved the big brown recliner into our room from Mom and Dad's house because it's the only place Mike can "sleep" that sort of helps his painful back spasms. He can get in and out of it easier than he can the bed right now. Hopefully it will provide some comfort and relief for him while he continues to gain strength. 

My room is a mess of hospital bags, dirty and clean clothes, baby gear and mail piled on my dresser. I had cleaned it last week in hopes of coming home right after delivery and enjoying an tranquil space, but alas, another plan foiled. The big brown chair has taken the place of the bassinet at my bedside and with Mike's meds to help him get to sleep, I don't want to be in the room disrupting him much while he rests. 

Tonight I will be juggling Cooper (who's already woken three times in the last half hour), Miss Lainey (who woke every hour and a half all night last night) and a hubby who needs help in and out of his chair. One day I will recover from these past two weeks, just not today! 

 

Almost Home

This morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep, so I slipped on my clothes & packed up all my stuff in a dimly lit room. Shortly before 4am I walked over to the NICU. I quietly took the stairs instead of the elevator and snuck out the front doors in the stillness of the night. It was snowing. The city was quiet. The freshly fallen snow crunched under my shoes as I sped walked to the hospital. A white rabbit hopped along in front of me and crossed my path a couple of times in my short walk.

When I got there, miss Lainey was wide awake, having a snack with one of the sweet nurses. I was able to take her and nurse her right away. She snuggled right in and went back to sleep. I'm so grateful for the awesome nurses who cared for her while I got some much needed rest. 

I was really hoping we could all go home today. We began the discharge papers for Lainey shortly before 8am. It took a long time to go through the "education" portion and learn about germs, self care, immunizations and not sleeping with too many blankets. All of the stuff I already know with this being my ninth baby, but it had to be ticked off in order to go home. They packed me a nice little care package with extra diapers, wipes, soothers, formula and nipples just in case.

Once she was asleep I left to go check on Mike. His doctor was just wrapping up his morning check in. While things are stabilizing, they still want to keep him in until tomorrow. I'm so grateful for the two brothers that came and gave him a priesthood blessing of healing last night and that prays were answered. I still couldn't help but feel tears of disappointment welling in my eyes when we got the news that we wouldn't be going home today. I really can't wait to just have everyone home and to have the kids meet their new baby sister. For two whole weeks I've put everyone else's needs and desires above my own, and I really just wanted this ONE thing to work out. We had Mike's brother bring the truck back because we weren't allowed to leave the NICU with Lainey until we had a car seat for her. Once they saw we were all set, they discharged us and we walked back to Mike's room to hang out. While he napped, Lainey and I went for a drive and I grabbed food and some new little outfits for her because I didn't bring nearly enough things to the hospital. I tried to make the best of the situation and enjoy spending time with Lainey and Mike for the rest of the evening until bedtime. 

"We must learn to judge ourselves not by what we are, but by what, under the influence of the Lord, we may become. We do not have to measure our potential for success by our known capabilities alone. We can count on the power of God and its expanding influence on our lives. We can know that our ability and strength can be magnified to meet any challenge that confronts us."

~Richard G. Scott

 

Lainey Grace

Last night I saw most of the hours on the clock as I tried to sleep and feed Lainey in the big green chair. My tailbone hurts from sitting. Lainey is doing so well and eats and sleeps like a champ! I had a few moments this morning to snap some pictures of her to officially introduce her to the world. We are still waiting until we all go home to tell everyone her name and gender in person. Seeing the reactions of the kiddos is one of my favorite parts of bringing a baby home. The name we settled on a few days ago was Lainey Grace. Lainey means "bright, shining light" and Grace means "unmerited love and mercy of God". During both this pregnancy and her delivery we were blessed by many tender mercies and I am so grateful for the grace of God during it all. She is a bright shining light and has such a sweet spirit already.

Joseph kept face timing me throughout the day, trying to discover baby's gender. He was so sneaky once and asked me to show him how big the room was. When he noticed a pink blanket hanging out of my bag, he exclaimed, "I knew it! It's a girl!" I had to tell him I brought both a blue and pink blanket because I didn't know which one I would need. I don't think he bought it though. Later on, he called me to help him make homemade mac and a cheese because they were out of KD. He whipped up the white sauce with a recipe and instructions I texted him and sent me a picture. A few minutes later Camilla sent me a video of a clean kitchen and her sweet friend Kaylee vacuuming the floor with Cooper. They had come home on their lunch hour and tidied the entire main floor for me and I was so so grateful to them both!

When the evening came I was feeling pretty exhausted. I asked the nurse what I should do and she encouraged me to go to the Ronald Macdonald house and reassured me that they would take good care of miss Lainey while I was away. It's such a weird thing, to leave your baby behind in the hospital. 

I went to say goodbye to Mike before leaving and our stake president happened to drop in for a quick visit. The three of us had a great visit and then he left for home. I said goodnight to Mike and then headed out the main doors into the cold with my bags. The walking directions the nurse gave me were perfect and I knew exactly where to go. I hated leaving the hospital without my baby and couldn't help thinking this isn't how it was supposed to be. As the wind whipped my face, tears pricked my eyes and loneliness encompassed me. As I cut across the parkade, a car stopped to let me go across the cross walk. After I had made it to the other side, I heard a voice call my name. When I turned I saw that the driver of the car was our stake president, who had just left from visiting with us. He asked if I'd like a ride, and when I replied that it wasn't far and I didn't want to be an inconvenience, he reassured me that it was no problem at all and that it was cold and I should get in. The drive lasted maybe a minute before we arrived, but I was grateful for the warmth and the company.

There have been many moments this week when I had finished taking care of everyone else and through tears I would ask Heavenly Father, "Now, who is going to take care of me?" And each and every time He sent angels in the form of a stake president who cared enough to call out, nurses who would sit and cry with me, friends who checked in every day, ward sisters and family who brought meals and treats and cheer, and so much more. And even though this experience has been awful and trying, there have been so many blessings and tender mercies.

I checked in, got a quick tour, showered and ate some dinner. I tucked into bed around 10pm and slept until 3:45am. The pillows were fluffy and the sheets smelled of fresh laundry. The room was quiet and there were no beeping machines. My stomach was finally full of nutritious food.  It was dark and peaceful and just what I needed after a crazy week at the hospital. 

(This post was published after we were home and well)

The NICU

After a rather restless sleep, I wandered back to the NICU at 5am this morning to hold baby again! I was not a fan of being woken by the nurses to check my blood pressure and have my stomach pushed on throughout the night. One of the reasons I love having a midwife is the fact that I can go home and sleep in my own bed. It's also my Dad's birthday today and I felt bad missing it and ditching all of the kids on them. 

 I spent three whole hours soaking her in before heading to Unit 23 to help Mike out of bed. He was super sick and nauseous today and anxious about his procedure at nine where they were going to reposition the drain.  When they inserted the drain initially, they didn't put him under and he felt the entire procedure. It was super painful and he was hoping it wouldn't be super painful again. He was mentally exhausted from a week already spent in the hospital being poked and prodded. I got him settled on his antibiotics and then made my way to my hospital room for a cold cold breakfast. While I was eating the nurse came in to check me once again and discharge me from the hospital because they needed the room. The nurse said they could hook me up with a room at the Ronald Macdonald house just down the street while baby was in the NICU. Then she helped me lug my bags and everything over to babe. 

I spent the majority of my day in the NICU snuggling her and after she got her CPAP out around 10am, I was able to finally nurse her! I spent a good chunk of my day nursing and cuddling her. I loved every minute spent staring at her sweet face and catching a few sleepy grins. Her oxygen levels are staying up, so I hope that means we can maybe go home soon. 

Mike had more complications today and they discovered some internal bleeding in his GI tract (likely from all of the pain meds he was on). They said he needed another CT scan and a scope done, so he is fasting once again. He has hardly been able to eat all week and has lost a lot of weight already. I'm so torn taking care of both of them. I just want us all to go home and enjoy the Christmas holidays. After tucking in Mike and reassuring him that I wasn't going home anytime soon, I went back to the NICU to check on babe.  

The nurses are all so sweet and they've been dressing her in the cutest little sleepers and hats. 

As I sat and nursed the chaos of the day hit me and I felt tears sting my eyes once more. I felt so alone. I just kept thinking to myself, "I will not cry, I will NOT cry...." as I bit my lip and drifted off to sleep. Leaving the hospital to stay alone at the Ronald Macdonald house didn't sound like very much fun to me when both my husband and babe were here. 

So I got as comfortable as I could in the ugly green chair and tried to catch a few winks of sleep.

A Birth Story

This morning I drove to the city to visit Mike. He's been in the hospital for a week today and has been feeling pretty lonely and missing the kids. I've tried to make it there as much as I can between juggling my responsibilities here, not wanting to chance travel on Winter roads, and being over due with our ninth babe. I'm glad baby has stayed put while we go through this whole ordeal, but a part of me is ready to meet this little one right away.  Every day I wake up hoping Mike will be able to come home, but instead we are met with more tests and a longer recovery. His back spasms are the worst right now from so many days in a hospital bed and his surgery. Every time he has to get out of bed, he has to be supported and pulled up with both hands to help ease the pain. 

My parents kindly offered to watch the littles for the day so that I could go visit him. I made sure to pack the baby car seat and my hospital bag just in case. I took the truck because the roads sucked and I didn't want to end up in the ditch somewhere at 41 weeks pregnant. As I drove I said a prayer that if I DID happen to go into labor today, it would be quick and easy because I was already exhausted and I was not sure if I'd be able to do it. I got to Mike's room shortly before lunch and we just sat and chatted, though he was pretty out of it due to his pain meds. Not long after I got there a friend showed up for a quick visit and she left us delicious puffed wheat squares to enjoy. 

I broke into mine right away, but Mr. Stannix had to wait for a bit because he was fasting for a procedure. Around noon, I started getting some light contractions and they were five to seven minutes apart. I quietly laboured while I reset Mike's IV every time it beeped, covered his legs with blankets, helped him to the bathroom, and crochet a baby blanket. A few hours later they were consistently getting closer, two to five minutes apart, but not overly painful. Again, I said a silent prayer that if I did have to have the baby today, it would be quick and easy. We decided to call my midwife to give her a heads up and time to travel to Red Deer. She told us she would meet me at Labour and Delivery in an hour to do an assessment. Because there is no cell service in the room Mike was in, we wandered to the atrium and sat and waited for my midwife to call and let us know she had arrived. When she called to let us know she had arrived, Mike slowly made his way back to his room and I walked down the hall to meet up with Willa.

We got to the admitting desk at the same time and she walked me to a triage room for a quick assessment to see if I could be admitted.  As we walked into the room tears started welling in my eyes. I looked at her and with a shaky voice I said, "I just don't know if I can do this today. I'm so tired, and so hungry." I felt so physically and emotionally exhausted from the last few weeks of Cooper not sleeping, contractions through the night,  and all of the late nights at the hospital. I had neglected to eat anything all afternoon because I was so busy caring for Mike. She reassured me that I was strong and able and everything would be fine. I was already surprisingly 6cm dilated, so we quickly made our way to a delivery room to settle in. 

Labour really started to pick up after we made it into the room and I texted Mike to give him the room number and enough time to wander down the hall from his unit. He came in a few minutes later, IV and drain bag in tow, and sat in the big chair by the bed as I stepped into the shower to manage the contractions in my lower back. I closed my eyes and let the hot water work it's magic as I swayed back and forth and breathed through each contraction. "You're starting to sound a little pushy, Addie," Willa said, "Probably only a few more minutes in there okay?" Another contraction hit and my water broke, it was filled with meconium. A few seconds later, Willa turned off the shower, wrapped me in a warm blanket and gently hurried me to the bed with her hand at my back. She knew I probably would have had the baby in the shower otherwise. Just as I crawled onto the bed, I could feel babe crowning, but it wasn't nearly as painful as usual. "I'm pretty sure the head is like, right there," I said. One or two quick pushes and babe was delivered. I caught and held the baby briefly with Mike cheering me on from the comfy chair beside the bed. My midwife held her while I quickly repositioned myself in the bed. "Can anyone tell me if it's a boy or a girl?" I asked with a gentle laugh. She was born at 5:52PM, just a short 45 minutes after I had come to be assessed. I got to cut the cord as Mike was in too much pain to stand much at this point. It all happened so fast, but it was one of the most empowering birth experiences I've ever had. When I had finished, I hardly felt like I had just had a baby at all.

My dream of getting a quick post birth snapshot was quickly foiled as there was so much meconium at birth that she had probably inhaled and her color and oxygen levels were not looking good. After I cut the cord, she was whisked over for an oxygen mask and an assessment. She weighed 7lbs 1oz. It was determined that the little mask and the suction weren't working as well as they'd like and she would need to go to the NICU for some extra help. They whisked her away before I was able to feed her, while I was still lying in the bed covered in warm blankets. All of the exhaustion and emotions caught up with me and I cried as I watched her leave. It was a tender mercy that I ended up delivering in Red Deer as our hospital doesn't have a NICU, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment as my vision for how everything would go was shattered once again. One of my easiest birth experiences and I hardly had time to enjoy it. Through this whole experience the Lord has been teaching me to trust him and to trust his plan for my life. My midwife rubbed my back and hugged me while Mike reassured me that he would follow and keep an eye on her until I was ready to go see her.

We've never had a babe go to the NICU before, so this experience was all new to us. After I had showered and cleaned up, Willa made sure I ate my dinner. They had Mike's dinner brought to my room as well so that we could eat together. When we had finished, I was wheeled down (I seriously could have walked, I felt great) to see baby girl. We watched her oxygen levels dip and return on the monitor and got to stick our hands in the incubator. Tears welled in my eyes once more as I wished I could just hold her and breast feed her and snuggle her all up. She had a little feeding tube placed as well, and I was told I could pump for her feeds, but it would take some effort/time. After our midwife snapped a few pictures for us, we both made sure that Mike made it back to his room in time for his IV antibiotics. 

I stayed back for a bit to admire her and watched her keep knocking the CPAP out of her nose to suck on. They laughed at her feisty personality and gave her a soother to keep her happy for a bit. I couldn't help but tear up again as I thought about how much I wanted to hold her and how things just weren't going according to plan. I walked over to unit 23 to help Mike out of bed so he could go to the bathroom. I gave him the keys for the truck so his brother could come move it to his place so we wouldn't get a ticket. Mike was super drowsy due to his pain meds and antibiotics. I was glad babe came quickly enough that Mike was able to make it and get back to his room for his meds. After saying goodnight, I wandered back to the NICU to sit in the chair in our little cubby area. Just before 11pm, one of the nurses came over and asked if I'd like to hold her. "Yes please!" I whispered excitedly and tears of joy welled in my eyes. 

All of the cords were such a pain, but we snuggled up as best we could in the dimly lit nursery. I sat there for over two hours, watching the monitor and soaking her in, until I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyelids open any longer. She is so beautiful and I am so grateful she came to our family. We can't wait to tell the kids they have another sister and share her name with them, but we want to tell them in person so that we can see their reactions. 

As I fell asleep in my lonely little hospital room while babe slept in the NICU and Mike slept in his hospital room, I couldn't help but think about all of the tender mercies and miracles surrounding her birth. Firstly that we delivered in Red Deer where there was a NICU to help her out. Second, that Mike was able to be present for the birth. If I had delivered anywhere else, he would have still been stuck in the hospital hooked up to an IV with a rigid medication schedule. Third, that my prayers for a short delivery were answered. I don't think I could have done a long, full day/night labor. Fourth, that I was blessed with a quick and easy recovery and was able to venture around the hospital to take care of Mike and lift him out of bed and to see Babe when I wanted to. And lastly, not having to worry about who will take care of the rest of our crew as we are fortunate to have my parents right next door to hold down the fort until we are able to go home.

I was reminded of the scripture in Romans 8:28 that says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." Truly, all things worked together for our good, even if they weren't according to "plan" and I am so grateful for all of the tender mercies and for the people He has placed in our life when we needed them. 

The Grinch

I woke early again after another terrible sleep filled with contractions on and off and Cooper in and out of my bed. I felt exhausted and grumpy. When I carried the morning poopy diaper out to the dumpster, I was grateful for the sunrise and sparkly trees that brought some cheer. 

We zoomed into Stake Conference and I ended up feeling super frustrated as the children were all out of sorts and no one was really paying attention. Overwhelmed and grumpy is a good way to describe how I feel today. The house is a mess every where despite my best efforts over the past two weeks. There's a giant syrup spill all over the counter that the butter dish was then dragged through at breakfast. The floors are sticky, the fridge needs cleaning, the play room is a disaster, & there's snow gear everywhere. Add a few minor contractions on top of that and I'm left wanting, but not wanting baby to come today. I really don't want to drive all the way to Red Deer to deliver.

I'm bummed that our Christmas tree isn't set up yet and won't be until Mike makes it home from the hospital. Partly because it's too dang heavy to do it without him and also because its tradition to deck the halls all together. I have slowly been pulling out a few Christmasy things here and there to help our home feel a little bit more decorated. Hopefully we will all be in the Christmas spirit a little bit more in the very near future!

 

Overdue

This morning we woke to more snow. The world sparkled as the sun came up. Everyone slept in a bit which was nice because Cooper ended up sleeping with me in the middle of the night and he’s a pretty restless sleeper. 

Mike called me in the morning with his CT results from last night (huge thanks to the doc who squeezed him in early). The good news is, the abscesses (fluid/infection pockets) are shrinking. The bad news is, he will not be able to come home for a few days yet. I found myself choking back tears of disappointment again this morning because I was really hoping to be able to have a baby tonight. While my situation here at home is much more comfortable than Mike’s in the hospital, I still feel sad to be sleeping alone and shouldering the household without my side kick. It’s been a long week!

My mom was able to watch the littles while Camilla and I drove to Red Deer to visit Mike. He was still hanging out in his curtained day surgery room. We brought him a booster juice and some treats. He also got a visit from a couple good friends while we were there. He’s looking better and I’m glad he’s on the mend. Shortly after they left we got news that he was getting a room for the next couple nights. He was so excited to shower and clean up. Once he was settled back into bed, another friend dropped in with some flying magazines and a Dr. Pepper. A little later while we were out enjoying one of the gathering areas, two other fine brethren and friends found us and sat to visit for a while. He was glad to see so many friendly faces today. It’s been a hard week. We are beyond blessed to be so cared for! 

Sleep Tight

When I did the nighttime checks before tucking into bed, I happened upon this sweet little moment. 

It reminded me of Joe and Hyrum. 

Moving Cooper downstairs again was inspired.

He loves his brother so much and needs the extra comfort and company at night. 

 

Morning Fires

Today we enjoyed an early morning beside the fire. With everything going on, I'm trying to savor the slow, quiet moments and soak in the children as much as I can. Mike called early in the morning to let me know he could potentially come home if I was able to drive him to and from his antibiotic appointments every twelve hours. Eventually the idea got nixed as his family doc said it would be best for him to stay put and in the "system" so he would get the best care possible. They've decided to keep him for the entire week and he's going crazy in the day surgery unit with just a bed and curtained room. 

His CT isn't scheduled until Saturday. They want to check his drain and make sure it's doing it's job and the infection pockets are shrinking with that and the antibiotics. I was really hoping he'd be home by Friday night so that I could just have a baby this weekend. I'm trying really hard to trust Gods timing and plan, but it all feels so frustrating sometimes. 

Will I make it to the city to deliver if that's where Mike is? How long will I have to stay? Will babe do OK on the hour drive home on Winter roads? So many things to think about. I was overwhelmed with tears as I sat on my bed processing it all. In the mean time I'm focusing on the things I can control and  trying to get the house tidy and organized (which will never happen because we have eight children ha!).