The last twelve years of my life have been filled with more sleep deprivation than rest. I fully understand how lack of sleep can make everything seem much worse than it is, and I've developed many tools to combat it such as only taking care of the necessities, spending time in nature, and really focusing on the small joys and successes in each day. When I find myself feeling overtired, ultrasensitive, grumpy, low on patience, and like a complete failure, I have to remind myself to take a deep breath. Not everything is as bad as it seems. The tweenagers aren't TRYING to make me angry (ugh the eye rolls), the boys will someday grow out of their need to wrestle on the floor every five seconds, the preschooler is still learning to control his emotions, the toddler didn't mean to make that mess, and once the poor babe's teeth poke through I will be able to find some reprieve.
The mornings always bring gorgeous sunrises and new beginnings, and even
though I am up in the night multiple times to soothe Lily, I am still able
to muster up enough energy to carry out the tasks of the day. I often stumble out of bed to a chorus of small voices in need of my time and attention. I try hard to focus my thoughts and set a positive tone for the day while chaos ensues around me. Someone is unhappy with the breakfast choice, another is torturing his brother, a third is sticking his tongue out at a sibling when he thinks I'm not looking, and the dog feels the need to add his very loud bark to the mix. Its easy in that moment to unravel as voices grow louder and complaints heavy. I've spent a few weeks now studying character and self-discipline with a determination to grow into the person I desire to be and I've been slowly learning to give myself grace as I muddle through the trenches of motherhood.
At the end of a long day I sometimes find myself feeling discouraged after being impatient and short with the children. Instead of using my soft voice to turn away wrath, my harsh words stirred up anger. There are so many things that demand a mothers attention and make it easy to feel overwhelmed. I am usually good at finding a balance, but the other night as the sun painted the sky and the frogs sang, I lied on the deck next to my snoring dog, shoulders shaking as I silently sobbed, releasing all of the emotions that had bottled up over the course of the last few weeks. Hard decisions that were weighing on me, the trial of teaching children who are learning to be obedient and kind (ugh, the eye rolls), the endless hours I spent sitting in time out with a screaming child, the offenses that unintentionally left a sting, the moments I could have done better... As the sunlight slowly disappeared and darkness gathered around me, I dried my eyes and went inside, distracting myself with the endless house work. There's always meal planning and prepping, stacks of dishes, and the baby crying to be picked up and soothed for the fourth time since bedtime began (come on teeth!). When the house was finally silent, I drained the sink, wiped down the counters, and flicked off the lights. I carefully pulled back my covers, knelt and asked for strength and forgiveness, and quietly slipped into bed as tears threatened to fall once more. In the dark, thoughts of failure began creeping into my mind as I reminded myself of all the things I could have done better that day. I curled up on my side and lay still until sleep came.
As the seasons of motherhood change and the children grow older, there are always moments of reprieve where one can inhale deeply instead of gasping for air. The funny thing about reprieve is that it means "to give relief or deliverance to for a time."
Isn't that how motherhood works? Small moments of respite and reprieve
amidst the chaos and trial. If it wasn't this way, we would never learn
how far we can stretch and how much we can grow. I always find those little moments in a quiet sunrise, a favorite book, wrapped in my husbands arms, or after a good nights sleep. Sometimes reprieve can be felt longer than others, but it always comes.
When I feel like no one else can possibly understand how I am feeling as a mother, I turn to my Savior, who has atoned for not only our sins, but all of the hard things we go through. He knows, and he longs to comfort us. As mothers we may do things that only God can see, but those are the things that make the greatest difference in our lives and the lives of others. I know that my small, daily efforts to magnify my calling as a mother help bring me closer to Jesus Christ.
"Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do,
cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself
sends angels to watch over you and your little ones....Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified,
compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been
as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel
that to be...You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging."
~Jeffery R. Holland
