Motherhood: Finding Worth

Art by Caitlin Connolly

There is a constant battle that goes on in my mind as I wake with the sun each day. When I was a little girl, being a mother was the only thing I ever dreamed of being. I can remember when I was small, I would sneak out of bed after being tucked in for the night just so I could rock my baby doll to sleep in my moon lit room.  The joys of motherhood, it seemed, were ingrained deep within my soul from a very young age. I was blessed to meet someone that I love dearly and start a family shortly after high school. While there were many voices who protested our decision to be married and start a family so young, I knew in my heart that we were doing the right thing, and the joy that followed with the arrival of each new baby was worth every sacrifice we made.

While the house work and daily tasks haven't been a problem for me lately (except maybe that they are never ending), I do find myself struggling in another way, a way not seen by most. Every once in a while I wrestle with "I'm just a mom" feelings. It's been a struggle lately to sift through the darkness and see my worth and potential.  I feel uneducated in the eyes of the world and unnoticed. I feel like I don't know a whole lot aside from what goes on inside our home. I lead myself to believe that I am only good for changing diapers, folding laundry, cooking meals, or organizing our home. I make so many mistakes and feel as though I will never be the mother I dreamed of being.  The thought of my kids growing up and leaving home scares me because being a mother is the only thing in life that I feel I can succeed at. Sometimes I convince myself that when I put off college to start our family, I took the easy way out. There are many days where I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and defeat. It's hard not to let the world's view of motherhood creep into the back of my mind, making me believe that what I do in our home is unimportant, so therefor, I am unimportant. It's hard to feel like I mean something when I spend all of my time and energy contributing to everyone else's happiness and making sure our home runs smoothly.

Sometimes when I am caught up in the mundane tasks of motherhood I begin to doubt myself, using the world as my standard for success and basis for self-worth, and forgetting where my worth comes from in the first place. When I spend my days from sun up to sun down filling the needs of everyone around me, it's so easy to begin to feel lost in the shuffle. I scroll through instagram and I see mothers who are successful in running home businesses, I see women who have fascinating university degrees, I see women who are making something of themselves and I feel all the more stuck. I wonder how they find the time when I can hardly find time to brush my teeth at night. I realize that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, but something always whispers that it's not the right time now, and that the sacrifice would be great for the children. And so the battle goes on, feeling like I need to prove something or make something of myself in the worlds eyes, while I know deep down that the role I have in our home is one of the most important things I could be doing. Sometimes I think that I need to be more like so and so and forget to be content with who I am. I'm so grateful for a husband who reminds me daily that the work I do here takes great effort and skill and that my time is valuable, especially when it is spent kissing babies, listening to a concerned child, or reading bed time stories.

Art by Caitlin Connolly

As I shared my thoughts with a dear friend late one night, she reminded me how important it is to remember that our worth doesn't change based on our career choice or circumstances. As a daughter of God I will always have great worth. She reminded me that what I do each day is important and if I wasn't here, I would be missed. It was exactly the reminder that I needed to shift my focus and push the negative thoughts from my mind. I was finally able to see through the tunnel of darkness towards the light on the other side.

As I've studied the topic of motherhood and self-worth over these past couple of weeks, I stumbled upon some encouraging words. One author wrote of motherhood that "such a task required skill, competence, courage, intelligence, and ingenuity far above any career." As I read those words, I felt like my role was of great importance. More importantly, I began to feel like I was someone important. That the choices I made to get here took courage, and that I show that courage every morning when I get out of bed to nurture little souls. 

"There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood." ~M. Russell Ballard

"It is a fundamental truth that the responsibilities of motherhood cannot be successfully delegated." ~Ezra Taft Benson

“Teach her to look to the Author and Finisher of her faith for her validation and worth. Help her to fear only God and not man. And remind her that the mission-field of home is a battleground worth fighting for.” ~Kelly Crawford

Some might think that staying home and nurturing children is a waste of time, but I believe that this is the most important career that I will ever have on this earth. I wonder if more women shared the same view if our world would be a different place. I am grateful for a loving husband and encouraging friends who help me see that what I do in our home is worth every sleepless night and every daily sacrifice. To every other Mamma out there who doubts herself and the work she is doing, I want to remind you, just as my friend reminded me, that you are wise, kind, courageous, and of great worth. Your small daily efforts don't go unnoticed.

Super Moon

We have been waking to the most beautiful sunrises. While the time change is kicking our butts and everyone seems to be a little bit on the tired side, I am enjoying the extra daylight. There's something about a little bit of blue sky and sunshine that completely energizes me. I love watching all of the kids play in the yard, laughing and soaking in the sun. Sawyer played outside on the back patio with a hockey stick for a couple of hours today. Wish us luck as we work though the time change, tonight's super moon, and Friday the 13th this week!

Sunday Snapshot

It’s Sunday afternoon. The house is quiet. The big kids are all downstairs playing LEGO and using their imaginations. I’m thankful they are getting along so well. Bone broth is simmering on the stove from chicken dinner. Sawyer just woke from his nap and gave me a nice long cuddle. While he eats his clementine in his booster seat, I knit and hum. He glances my way and lets out a giggle. I return a wink and a smile. After a chaotic Sunday, I’m savoring this moment filled with stillness and peace.

The West Country

 Today we went for a drive out West with our crew. For the last couple of weeks I have been craving a day in the mountains. The forecast looked incredible this week, so we made a plan, but when I busted my toe I wasn't sure if we would still make it. Mr. Stannix finished up a few things at work this morning while I got everyone ready to go. We picked up a large pizza and ate as we drove. As we neared the mountains the children started getting excited. "Look at those beautiful Mountains!" Ollie kept saying over and over again. "Whoa!! Look at that one!" They were thrilled.

 We pulled off at the All Stones Creek parking lot and took a little walk down the trail. Sawyer was so excited to walk around and explore. He kept plopping down on his bum and trying to pick up the snow with his mittens. He got up close to the tree branches to check them out and chattered non-stop. 

 The kids slid down this tiny drop to throw rocks and check out the ice. The air smelled so good and the cool breeze was refreshing.

 While the kids played down by the lake, I hung out with Sawyer in the trees, watching him take it all in. I would have loved to have followed the big kids but my air cast only let me go so far and I needed to put my foot up.

 We couldn't have asked for a better day to explore! 

 After a while we walked back to the van to head to the other side of the lake. We wanted a better place to check out the bubbles in the ice and heard the other side was better. As we made our way back up the trail, Sawyer kept trying to turn and walk back the other way. He's become super independent and it was a struggle to get him to follow the rest of the children back to the parking lot. But it gave me a chance to take it slow and soak in the views!

 For the rest of the afternoon, this was our playground! Aside from the crazy strong wind, it was perfect.

 The big boys and Daddy made it down to the ice first and I watched as the boys screamed with excitement as the wind pushed them around. It took me a while to limp down there. Ice is hard enough to walk on without an aircast. 

 Everytime the wind picked up, Oliver would run towards me as fast as he could and often tripped over rocks on the way. After I showed him that the wind was "fun" and wouldn't hurt him, he began giggling and embracing it. 

 The cold air felt good on my poor toe as I tried to find the best path across the lake.

 I loved watching Mr. Stannix play with the kids. Sometimes it's nice to get away from work and responsibilities and just play!

 The bubbles were so cool! I wasn't sure what to expect, but as the sun created rainbows beneath the ice, we were all mesmerized. 

 It's always a treat being surrounded by this much beauty.

 We had a lot of fun checking it all out.

 Soon it was time to head back. A few of the boys stayed out on the ice as long as they could and then ran against the wind.

When we made it back to the van everyone pulled off their snow gear and got comfy for the long drive home. We can't wait to get back to the mountains again.

Be Still

I have been thinking about blogging quite a bit lately. I think the reason that I don't write as much as I'd like to anymore is because it's so much work to transfer and organize my pictures to the computer these days. I've fallen so far behind and so I just keep putting it off. I spent a lot of time yesterday putting photos on my computer so that I could catch up on this dear blog of mine. I love writing and recording what we get up to each day. If it wasn't for the blog I think I would forget some of the cute things the children have done at different stages. One of my goals over this next little while is to start writing daily again (and do a ton of back posting). There's something to be said for putting thoughts into words and recording those emotions and feelings each day. It's good for the soul.

Today as I sat down to write, Sawyer toddled into the kitchen and tugged on my sweater, demanding my attention. I scooped him up on my lap and his body melted into mine as he leaned back to watch what I was doing. He lifted up his little hand and pulled my face close to his. I squeezed him in a hug as I touched my nose to his and smooched his chubby cheeks. He started running his fingers through my hair and then grabbed my hand and put it on his forehead. I rubbed his hair back and traced around his eyes with my index finger. He began to breath deeply and his body grew limp. He never did end up falling asleep, but he was content to just sit and enjoy the moment. These are the moments I cherish. I would much rather snuggle and play with my kids than run errands or clean my house. It's so important to take time to be still and drink them in at every stage.  They deserve my full attention and I want them to feel like they are important. When I slow down and look into their faces, take time to hug and snuggle, and really listen to what's going on in their lives, they are more content and get along better. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home and enjoy the little things each day!

I read an instagram post the other day from a mom who was comparing life when her Grandma was raising children to life as a mom now. She spoke of how hard we have it now as moms and how difficult the pressure is to put your kids into everything and keep up with the demands and obligations of motherhood. She talked about how easy it is to compare ourselves to other moms because of social media and how we wrestle with feelings of guilt and not being good enough. She said she loved listening to her Grandma talk about how the kids used to play in the neighborhood together each day while the mothers were able to chat or help each other with laundry and house work. There was less judging, and more sense of community. Their one outing a week would be to the local church for a playgroup. The online community we have now is unique and wonderful for different reasons, but sometimes I think I would like to live "back then" when life was a little bit more simple and the outside demands were perhaps a little bit less. Where it was easier to focus on our families, and teaching our children values instead of running them from one activity to the next.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this. Just a few thoughts that have been on my mind lately as I've been contemplating the time I spend on social media and whether or not its beneficial to me personally. It's so important to be present and take time from our busy lives to show our love to those we care about most.  Our children can tell when we are distracted or checking our phones as they talk to us. I've been thinking about the kind of message I'm sending my kids each day and how I can show them that they are the most important thing in the world to me.

Poetry Cafe

 Today the Grade 3's put on a Poetry Cafe for all of the parents. Hyrum asked me to make some cookies to bring for the refreshment table and with Valentine's Day this week I decided to make a batch of heart shaped sugar cookies. I spent most of the morning baking and icing and then dropped the little boys off at a friends place.

 I met Mr. Stannix at the front doors and we enjoyed a quiet walk, just the two of us, all the way to Hyrum's classroom. The kids had decorated the room with lights, table cloths, and flowers. It was so cozy looking! 

 We read through the program while we waited for the students to perform and were told to snap instead of clap at the end of each performance. 

There were a few poems done by the entire class and then each student got to perform a poem that they personally wrote. They were so fun! We enjoyed our time visiting with Hyrum after and getting to know a few of his friends!

Full Moon

Today I cherished the children waking up slowly and trickling into the kitchen. The house was quiet when I woke. I nodded hello to the full moon out my kitchen window as I packed school lunches and began breakfast. Sawyer munched his peanut butter toast while I flipped pancakes. Then I put breakfast on the table and waited for the littles to wake, which was so crazy because they're usually up before I am!

The hens have been gifting us with the most beautiful eggs lately and I enjoy the brisk walk to the coop to collect when I can!

Sawyer found the perfect way to end the morning, tucked beneath a warm blanket in his crib.

Blue Sky

When the sky is blue and the sun is shining, you go outside for a walk. I'm not one to hang out at a gym. I'd rather pull three crazy boys to the mailbox and back up the hill in a sled. I totally broke a sweat, and it was so good!

German Pancake

Breakfast this morning was a big, fluffy German Pancake! It is quickly becoming a favorite around here and I love how simple and quick it is to whip up!

We enjoy it with a sprinkle of icing sugar, a drizzle of homemade syrup and fruit on the side.

Sawyer is slowly recovering from an awful cold and is almost back to his goofy self!

Extra Snuggles

I rocked this boy to sleep for the first time in forever. He has a runny nose and a terrible cough and needed some extra snuggles. After a few rough mommy days I'm taking an extra few minutes in the rocking chair to enjoy the quiet and ponder. Today, I needed this just as much as he did.