Life sure feels like a whirlwind somedays. I feel like I wake up crazy early every morning after a night filled with feedings and baby snuggles, then I feed kids, nurse a baby, change a bunch of diapers, listen to everyone complain about dinner, and then rush through brushing teeth, prayers and stories just so I can have a few minutes to myself before I go to bed and then wake up and do it all over again. I had a nice little therapy session with Mr. Stannix the other night. I call it a therapy session because I whine and complain and explain all of my mothering woes to him while he lovingly sits and listens. After I'm finished we brainstorm together, he reassures me that I am doing a good job mothering, and then he pulls me close and hugs me tight. And I feel so much better after.
I've been looking at my kids lately and wondering where the time has gone. They are all growing so fast. Finley doesn't even fit on my lap anymore unless his legs are bunched up on my stomach. I've been having a hard time feeling joy and fully enjoying what I have here. While it is totally special to stay at home with four little people, it can sometimes be overwhelming because those four little people seem to demand every second of time in the day. I have felt so unaccomplished at the end of each day as I stare at a counter covered in dishes and a very messy playroom wondering what I did all day. But as I've thought more and more about it, I've realized that I am measuring my success each day only based on how many items I've checked off my to-do list and "love" and "playtime" aren't usually found on that list. This is where my mommy guilt kicks in because sometimes I worry that I spend too much time trying to keep up with the dishes and the laundry that I miss out on the precious time I have to enjoy my children at this stage of life. Thankfully I have Mr. Stannix to remind me that even though our house looks "well lived in" I do a tonne each day for our kids. He reminds me to find great joy in the little things I do like reading a story, kissing an owie, and feeding the baby. Usually when I find myself struggling to feel joy I force myself to slow down and take notes each day in an effort to find happiness in the small things. Doing this helps me laugh when things don't go quite as planned or a certain someone lets his curiosity get the best of him...again. Life in the trenches of motherhood can be blissful if I stop trying to control every little detail and just enjoy what's going on within the walls of our little home.
Camilla is such a little mommy. She makes sure everything in the home is running as it should. She gets up, makes her bed and tidies her room almost every morning (with a few reminders). She thinks up the funniest things. The other day she said, "Do you know where I want to live when I'm a gramma? In Rocky Mountain House so that I can play with Gramma. But I won't be able to play with her toys..." She is a huge help with the boys and loves to hold Finley at night while I tuck in the other two. She often says to me, "I have a way with brothers" and finishes it off with a wink. She definitely has a way with her brothers and she is so gentle and kind most of the time. The other night when I tucked her in she told me, "I've sure got a busy day tomorrow. First, I have to wake up and do my poodles hair, then I need to get dressed and make my bed. THEN at 5:00am I have to teach my poodle how to sit. Then at 2:00am I have to take it for a walk.Whew." She is a riot and is well known for how well spoken she is. She loves to tell stories and always does with a little twinkle in her eye. One night at bed time, I let her hold Finley in the rocking chair while I tucked in the boys. He ended up falling asleep right in her arms and I came in to her admiring her baby brother while she rocked back and forth. That image will stay with me always, the proud look on her face, the slight smile. I hope she carries how she felt in that moment with her until she has kids of her own to rock. If there's one thing I want her to know it would be how much I value womanhood and motherhood and the divine role we have been given.
Hyrum is our quiet one. Usually very soft spoken and timid. I have to be super careful with my words with him because he takes everything to heart. He is such a great boy and so full of love! One morning in the middle of playing he asked if he could get dressed again. When I asked him, "why?" he matter of factly replied, "It's just that...I have a lot of handsome clothes." One night, not too long after Finley was born he quietly asked me if I could lay with him for a very long time. Memories flooded back of the many nights I spent cuddling him to sleep in the not so distant past. It made me wonder when I had last taken the time to do it. Usually Daddy tucks the boys in, but he wanted me that night. I am usually so busy juggling the baby and multiple bedtimes that it becomes impossible to please everyone, but his timid plea hit me right in the heart and since then I've made a conscious effort to give that boy more snuggles.
Joseph is our busy one right now. Always moving, planning, scheming...I'm pretty sure his love language is touch. He is constantly knock-over-hugging, head-lock-hugging, or tackling his older siblings. He's kind of a brute, but we love him that way. He loves a bit of tickling at bed time and wrestling with Daddy. Bedtimes are still a bit of a battle and when I'm juggling all of them I don't have enough hands to do it and I almost lose it everytime. In the midst of insanity and repeatedly saying, "Get back to bed please and pull your covers up!" I sometimes find myself shouting it through clenched teeth rather than speaking kindly. I dread bed time every night because my energy is spent and he tests my patience more than ever. All of my anger melted away one night when he replied, "Akkkaaaayyy akaayyy. I wiwll, I wiwll..." I stood outside his cracked open door and found myself grinning. He is a going concern from the second he wakes up begging for breakfast. I love when I call him and he's somewhere else in the house and shouts back, "Akay! I comin' I comin'!" But he doesn't move an inch. He is always carrying around clusters of toys in his arms. Lately it's his screw driver, cars, and balls. He loves when I am baking and quickly pulls a chair up to the island to help. Whenever I make cookies he can't resist taking a handful of brown sugar out of the mixing bowl to eat. I always catch him, "You little stinker!", I say. He laughs and laughs and laughs. He also loves slamming doors lately, and more especially holding the basement door shut with his siblings yelling at him to open it from the other side. One night I found myself eating dinner with him stuck on me piggyback style, arms around my neck, just hanging out. We rarely make it through family prayer without him sitting on someones head or trying to ride Camilla like a horse. All I can do is laugh. And I only write all of these things so that I can do just that in twenty years when all my kids are grown.
Finley is growing like a weed and somedays I wish he would just stop! I love the way he stretches after a long nap when he arches his back, sticks his elbows in the air and points his bum. I love the way his bottom fits right in the palm of my hand as I gently pat his back at night. I love when he curls up on my chest and falls asleep. I love listening to him full out giggle in his sleep. Each little smile of his fills me with so much joy! Sometimes when I'm trying to get him to sleep he will squirm when I snuggle him on my chest until I lift him just high enough for my lips to gently press on the middle of his forhead. Then he goes completely still and closes his eyes. We stay like that until his breathing deepens and I know he's asleep. I've also had to remaster the art of laying a baby in the crib, holding his arms close to his body for a few extra seconds so he doesn't startle himself awake again. He brings so much joy to our family and the children love him so much!
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