This Face

Mr. H stuck these on today and made me laugh so much!

It's only funny because they kind of suit him...

Still can't put my finger on who he looks like here.

Feeling Like a Winner

Today could've been a Monday.

I'm totally feeling blue.

I feel like the worst homemaker ever.

My biggest accomplishment was washing the kitchen floor.

The pots and pans are piling up on my counter.

The kiddos were busy and we were all over this afternoon.

I had zero luck dress shopping and the CA ball is next Saturday.

That's what happens when you switch from a maternity to regular sized unexpectedly.

I lost Mikes cell phone in the mall parking lot and someone jacked it.

I felt terrible!
Mike didn't even get mad, he's pretty swell.

My eyes are sore and my head hurts from crying.

And my children had "Timportance" (say it really fast, you'll get it) for dinner.

Epic fail of a day...

Around the Block

The weather today was so gorgeous we had to go out and enjoy it for ourselves! Just after lunch (and before naps mind you) we went for a walk to get the mail. Once we actually got to the mail box, the littles wanted to keep going, so we circled around the block splashing in puddles and slipping on ice. I didn't think that I could feel JOY again so soon after a loss, but watching the three of them make their way around the block filled my heart to the brim and put a smile on my face. We took our time, slowed life down for an hour, laughed and giggled, slid and fell in some puddles, and splashed to our hearts content. The sunshine was just what we all needed and the air was so refreshing! After we got home Hyrum and Camilla ran laps back and forth from the black box to the yellow fire-hydrant until they had finally tuckered themselves out.

  And while I have a few minutes I need to quickly write a bit about each of these kids before I forget! Camilla has been super helpful lately! She loves to switch my laundry from the washer to the dryer without being asked. I appreciate it, even if it means the clean clothes from the dryer end up somehow scattered all over the basement. She doesn't like the crust on her sandwiches and frequently leaves them on her plate after eating the rest of the softer bread. The other day she dressed her brother up as a girl for the first time. She slicked his hair down with water and put a nice dress on him. It reminded me of the things my sister and I used to do to my little brother. She hates when people cough because she has a fear that they will throw up or choke. She is super looking forward to Spring and Summer and told me the other day, "I don't really like the season of Winter..." She keeps listing off all of the fun things she is looking forward to doing in the Summer like swimming in her pool, playing soccer, and jumping on her trampoline. The other day she asked Hyrum, "How much do you love me?" He responded, "I love you three times ago!" Then she asked, "You won't ever leave me? Or flush me down the toilet?" The things they come up with make me laugh.  When she puts on her jammies she sometimes leaves her clothes on underneath to save time in the morning.  At days end we walk up two flights of stairs gathering all of the stuffed animals and bringing them back upstairs to fill her bed. She's very particular about these stuffed animals and spends at least five minutes before bed organizing them. Each has a specific spot and she leaves hardly any room for herself in that big double bed!

Hyrum is quite the character and talks almost as much as his sister now. He is always saying funny, random things like, "Don't bweak it! This cost's money!" or "I'm pwoud of me, and I'm pwoud of you too Camilla." We are still working on the potty training. It kind of goes week by week with good and bad days and then we take a break if things are really bad. He covers his ears at loud noises or wind. He likes to nap in our bed with Dumbledore's wand in hand and casts funny spells he remembers from the first few Harry Potter movies he has seen. He is constantly trying to sneak into bed with us at night and always always comes in for morning cuddles around 6:00am. He still gives me the best smooches, right on the lips, but I'm sure he'll grow out of it soon enough!

Joseph changes every day it seems! I can't believe how fast he is growing up. He has definitely been giving us a run for our money lately and has been dubbed the climber of the three. He sometimes crawls under the bench blocking the stairs and then uses a stair to get on the bench and stand up. Or when he is downstairs he will climb on a kids chair and onto the kids table and stand right in the middle. He is always trying to conquer new heights and bust out of his crib it seems. I may end up moving him to a bed sooner than the other two. He likes to babble and tries to make words. He's got "please" down, or at least I'm pretty sure that's what he's saying. He also loves to wave and say, "Byeeeee" in a sweet little voice. He also has specific yells when he's calling for either of his older siblings. He likes to shake his head while he talks and pretend he's deep in conversation. Joe's hands are constantly on the go as his mind works and schemes. He likes to play tricks and test his limits and will always grin ear to ear when caught doing something he shouldn't. He points and babbles at everything. Around Christmas time he started saying what sounds like, "Dad! Look!" while he would point at something or other in the room. His Dad his is very favorite person and he waits by the window every day for his homecoming. One of his newest things is to grab your hand or clothes and drag you around. The cutest was one Sunday when he kept grabbing Camilla's dress and taking her to the playroom. He's started using this dragging tactic to show us what he wants or where he wants to go. He's learning how to do stairs and loves when I let him try it on his own. He has learned how to give the best hugs to his older siblings and would be lost without them! They are his sole entertainment and when they aren't around he paces the house bored out of his tree. I always think how lucky he is to have older siblings to play with.

Scrub-a-dub-dub

Lately I've been trying to have separate baths for the littles, but tonight they insisted on piling in all together.

I love our big soaker tub downstairs because it gives them plenty of room and minimizes the water that gets splashed over the edge.

Whenever I bath them I fall in love with those shiny clean faces of theirs!

An Eternal Perspective

It was a snowy afternoon in mid January. The day I had been looking forward to since October had finally arrived and I couldn't wait to see our little baby on the ultrasound screen. The night before I was feeling anxious and hoping everything would be okay. At 20 weeks I should be feeling the baby move, and I hadn't been. I said a teary eyed prayer asking my Father in heaven for the comfort and strength I might need. The next day I dropped the children at a dear friends and rushed off to my appointment.

At my ultrasound my worst fear became a reality as the doctor came in to deliver sad news. I spent a few minutes in shock. News like this isn't something you might expect to get at a regular 20 week ultrasound. I stared wide-eyed at the doctor, nodding and struggling to breath as he told me we had lost the baby a few weeks earlier. When the tech handed me a tissue box a few tears slipped out. Instead of taking my time as I should have, I let myself have a quick cry and then rushed to be with my littles. As I crossed the parking lot my eyes welled with tears and I let them flow freely all the way back to my friends home where we shared an embrace and cried on the floor in her entryway. When I was finally feeling better we left to pickup Daddy from work.

The whole week I struggled with a whirl wind of emotions. I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe if I hadn't caught that flu twice in December. Maybe if I had taken better care of myself. I struggled with feelings of guilt and remorse. I felt like a failure. I thought that if I were a better mother, this might not have happened and this precious gift might not have been taken away from me. I pondered the difference between a trial and punishment for a long time. I had no desire to talk with too many people and spent my days holding those I loved close.

I hesitated writing this until I spoke with a nurse on the phone. "This is a part of your life story now,"  she said to me. And since this blog and the books we make it into are our life story, it needed to be included, happy or not. Life can be so so hard and seem so unfair at times, but we can always find something to be learned and our Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle through Faith.

That week I cherished my children more than I ever had before. Every snuggle, every chance I got to kiss them on the cheek, every belly laugh, every smile, and every moment I peeked in on them before going to bed to see their closed eyes and still bodies dreaming happy things. I cried as I gently rubbed Camilla's little back before bed one night, remembering how small she once was. I held on extra tight to Mr. H when he would give me hugs for no reason.

The week lasted what seemed like forever, with so many decisions to be made and so much time to wait. But as each day went on, it got a little easier, and I was able to smile more and feel at peace. We were blessed with great church leaders who stopped by and offered blessings of comfort and healing. I wept through each one, still coming to terms with what had happened. I have been blessed with great friends and family whose words of advice helped turn this from a negative experience, into something sacred and never to be forgotten. Delicious meals were brought by family and friends and sweet notes were sent our way. I waited by the phone each morning for the call that would let me know when I could come in to the hospital where they would induce labour.

That call finally came Thursday morning. I left the cookie jar full of homemade cookies for the children and embraced one of the best friends I have here as I left her to care for my children until my Mum arrived. We arrived on the labour and delivery unit where they began the induction early afternoon. I was given my first IV ever (after three attempts) and was put on oxytocin shortly after dinner. I felt so disappointed in my body which has naturally carried out three previous births so well and quick. I was so grateful for a supportive husband who comforted me while I endured the longest labour of my life. After it happened I buried my face in my hands and wept for a long time as my dear husband pulled me close and ran his fingers through my hair. For the rest of the night that hospital room felt like a sacred place and feelings of peace and comfort enveloped us. We waited a few hours to make sure everything went as it should and hoping I wouldn't need further surgery. Thankfully my body performed well and the doctor granted my wish to go home to sleep for the night with my husband at my side and my children close by.

My first day home was difficult. I couldn't walk without assistance for fear of blacking out or losing my footing. My body still felt drugged and slow. My limbs would go numb after minimal movement and my ears would ring. I was still in shock and coming to grips with what had happened. My kids were more in my scopes again. I could smile at the funny things they would say. At breakfast Camilla shared an idea to bring me breakfast in bed. I listened from my room as Hyrum responded, "but don't hide it behind your back, or it'll spiwll." I smiled. Joe was suddenly my baby again. He seemed so little and so big all at the same time. And their little voices rang in my ears louder than before as I remembered my role in their lives and took more time to hang onto every moment with them.

The next week I was blessed with extreme peace and patience and never once felt frustrated or angry by the little things like spilled milk or little arguements. My heart was filled with more sympathy and love than ever before and I was able to share that more with my children and family. I would still cry when afternoons got tough or the littles started to get crazy all at the same time. Tears would still fall when I tucked in Camilla at night or shared sweet moments with the children. Mike and I had grown closer together than ever before and there was an unspoken bond that felt forever strengthened. I suppose the loss of a child will do that to a relationship.

How grateful I am for a temple marriage and the knowledge that families are forever. I know that one day I will get to meet our sweet babe and I am already looking forward to it. And though my days are still filled with ups and downs and tears still wet my pillow at night, I know that we will be okay. This is now a part of our life story. A part that has changed and shaped us immensely, and a part we will never forget.

Family Time

Today started out slow. To save my sanity I took the kiddos grocery shopping before lunch for the free cookie and some time outside the house. They were actually pretty good and had a few funny conversations with some of the Gramma's we met at the store. As we made our way down the cereal aisle Camilla spotted a yellow sale tag, "Mom! Fruitloops are on sale!" Hyrum chimed in, "I LOVE loopies!" It made me laugh, how could I resist? After we got home we even had a bowl for lunch. I managed to get all of the littles to nap around 1:00PM and squeezed in a much needed rest for myself. Everyone woke up so happy. It's been so nice to feel the increase of love in our home this week and to watch the littles get along so well together.

Around dinner time I was feeling spontaneous. We picked Daddy up from work and went for some family time at Red Robins. It was nice to get dressed up a bit (and by that I mean my hair actually got done and I may have ditched my glasses for contacts). The kids were excited to get out of the house and eat out!

 I could have snapped pictures of Joseph the whole time we were there. He's such a ham!

 He loved sitting by his Daddy for the evening!

 I got to snuggle my munchkins on the booth side of the table. I started out sitting between them, but they love each other too much.

After dinner there was some snuggling on the spacious bench.

  And at the end of the meal they hardly even ate their ice cream because they wanted their helium balloon so badly. Poor Camilla had terrible luck with her balloon. We tied it tight to her wrist before exiting the building but when she was lifted into her seat the balloon popped off the end of her string and flew away. Daddy went in and grabbed her another one. Just as we exited the parking lot, the second balloon popped and our little lady burst into tears. Thankfully her brother let her hold his once we were home.

Getting Along

 The littles got along so well today (for the most part) which was a huge help for me!

Joseph spent some of the morning cuddling up to Camilla's puppy.

It's so hard to dress him sometimes, but I like seeing his chubby arms and thighs anyways.

 

Camilla and Hyrum were "best fwiends" all day.

I loved hearing them giggle and play pretend together.

They played with their playdough at the table for an hour and made a whole family of worms.

Love them.

 

After naps, the boys hung out together for a while.

They like to look out the window for cars and for their Daddy to come home.

It was a nice change.

Usually Hyrum is belly checking him, punching him, or hugging him a little too hard.

I liked watching them be friends.

I loved watching Hyrum take on his role as big brother and protector so well.

Afternoon Snuggles

This afternoon I got to snuggle this little boy at nap time.

My Little Muppet

Love. This. Face.

Back to Normal

I came downstairs after grocery shopping to find the biggest mess.

 I think it's safe to say that Hyrum is feeling better...

This picture pretty much describes my whole day today.

Camilla was a sweetheart and picked them up one by one to be washed.

After Mr. H and I had a talk, he offered to help too.

This is him tucked into our bed at approximately 8:12PM after a very long day.