Just Imagine

 Today our living room transformed into an ocean filled with deep water, choppy waves, and a pirate ship far off in the distance. These two put their imaginations to good use constructing a dock and a ginormous boat to sail them away to wherever their little hearts desired! 

 They sang songs, had some scary encounters with pirates, turned my wooden spoons into canons, and laughed a whole lot! Hyrum and Joseph even joined in on the fun for a little while, adding new ideas and excitement. They were so loud I could hear them all the way on the other side of the Ocean!

 I love how simple the world is through the eyes of a child. We may not have seen any friends in over two weeks, but these boys don't mind.

They are surrounded by people who love and care for them and they enjoy an environment that lets their imaginations soar! This is the childhood I imagined for them and I wouldn't change a thing.

Fast Sunday

 Today we woke to the morning light and faint sounds of bird song. We quietly went about our morning, visiting and snuggling beneath blankets until the whole house awoke. Daddy reverently prepared the sacrament, the big boys lugged in all of the kitchen chairs for our church meeting, and then the littles gathered in the play room and got lost in a game of make-believe. 

 It is our third week doing church at home as we aren't allowed to meet as a large congregation due to the worldwide pandemic that has put a halt to so many things. Every Sunday as I gather with my family in our little living room I feel blessed to know that we have a prophet here on earth who has prepared us so well for this moment in time. Recently our prophet asked us to join him in a worldwide fast for relief and healing.

“I invite you to join with me in a worldwide fast—for all whose health permits—to pray for relief from the physical, emotional and economic effects of this global pandemic. I invite members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints everywhere, along with our many friends, to fast and pray this Sunday, March 29. Let us unite our faith to plead for physical, spiritual, and other healing throughout the entire world. The Lord understands the feelings you are experiencing. He loves and cares for you, as I do, too.” ~Russel M. Nelson

 When the house was relatively still, I slipped out the back door and walked to the big spruce trees at the property line. They were all covered with frost, but the view from the house wasn't nearly as magical as the view from the other side. I drank in the fresh air and said a quiet prayer in my heart for those who are suffering or in need of peace at this time. 

As we gathered together for fast and testimony meeting in our tiny living room, I couldn't help but feel peace and assurance that everything will work out. As our children each took turns sharing their thoughts and testimonies about the love that Jesus has for them, the blessings of the atonement, and the joy of eternal families, my heart was full. I know that we have a Heavenly Father who knows us personally and loves each of us with a great love. I know that he has a plan for us and that we are blessed as we follow Him. And even though the world seems a little bit upside down right now, He is near and waiting to comfort and help us. 

"When there's no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ."

Our New Normal

This morning I was up before the sun with Sawyer. He is teething and has been awake a lot more through the night. We snuggled on the couch until the rest of the house began to stir. As we tip-toed into the kitchen we could hear Mr. Rooster welcoming the morning. The fog that blanketed the back field all night started to lift as the sun popped up from behind the spruce trees, casting a pink glow over everything in sight. The children were agreeable and began the morning with a squeeze hug. As I prepped breakfast, they rubbed sleep from their eyes and quietly snuggled beneath blankets in the front room. The aroma of German pancakes filled the house and soon they were filling their tummies with yummy pancakes covered in way too much powdered sugar and maple syrup. Daddy did our morning devotional/study while they ate and then we joined in family prayer before he left for work.

Week two of this "new normal" seems to be going better. The children have all adjusted to being home full time and in each other's space. After breakfast they all divided into little play groups (without any prompting from me) and enjoyed their time together until school began at nine. I'm not one for rigid schedules, so I put together a general guideline for the morning so that they each get a turn on the computer to complete their school work. The teachers have been asked to give their students five hours of work per week. We try to get it all done in the morning and then spend the rest of the day crafting, baking and being outdoors. Some of the kids do well with self-guided work and others seem to think that they need me by their side to complete every little thing. One child and I had a particularly rough morning and both ended up frustrated and in tears. But I will never forget the look of success on his face after he finally decided to get to work and complete his writing assignment.  We also had a successful division lesson and high fives all around. A few of them are missing their awesome teachers and it's been hard on both of us, but we are all doing our best.

I've been listening to the same two piano songs all week. Joe can't walk by the piano without playing "This Land is Your Land" or "Puff the Magic Dragon" with gusto! That boy sure loves his music and it's so great.

I wish I had taken a picture of how cute and grown up Sawyer looked today. After his morning bath, his hair dried with these cute little wings above his ears. I also wish I had taken a quick snapshot of Joseph dancing around the kitchen with his baby brother snuggled on his shoulder grinning from ear to ear as they spun around the room to Backstreet Boys (his choice). There were so many moments today that will be captured in my memory forever. There is so much joy to be had, even though the world is full of so much uncertainty.

After tucking in the children, I plopped down on the couch, exhausted from the early morning and the days work. I turned on a favorite TV show as I pulled a blanket around my weary body. After a half hour or so, Oliver wandered out to see me (as he frequently does after being tucked in for the night). "Can I pwees sit on your lap? You look soooo comfy...." I tucked him under my arm and he snuggled in close, and for a few minutes, all was right in the world. During this crazy time I hope that my kids can feel how important they are to me, how much I value having them home, and how dearly I love them!

Motherhood: Finding Worth

Art by Caitlin Connolly

There is a constant battle that goes on in my mind as I wake with the sun each day. When I was a little girl, being a mother was the only thing I ever dreamed of being. I can remember when I was small, I would sneak out of bed after being tucked in for the night just so I could rock my baby doll to sleep in my moon lit room.  The joys of motherhood, it seemed, were ingrained deep within my soul from a very young age. I was blessed to meet someone that I love dearly and start a family shortly after high school. While there were many voices who protested our decision to be married and start a family so young, I knew in my heart that we were doing the right thing, and the joy that followed with the arrival of each new baby was worth every sacrifice we made.

While the house work and daily tasks haven't been a problem for me lately (except maybe that they are never ending), I do find myself struggling in another way, a way not seen by most. Every once in a while I wrestle with "I'm just a mom" feelings. It's been a struggle lately to sift through the darkness and see my worth and potential.  I feel uneducated in the eyes of the world and unnoticed. I feel like I don't know a whole lot aside from what goes on inside our home. I lead myself to believe that I am only good for changing diapers, folding laundry, cooking meals, or organizing our home. I make so many mistakes and feel as though I will never be the mother I dreamed of being.  The thought of my kids growing up and leaving home scares me because being a mother is the only thing in life that I feel I can succeed at. Sometimes I convince myself that when I put off college to start our family, I took the easy way out. There are many days where I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and defeat. It's hard not to let the world's view of motherhood creep into the back of my mind, making me believe that what I do in our home is unimportant, so therefor, I am unimportant. It's hard to feel like I mean something when I spend all of my time and energy contributing to everyone else's happiness and making sure our home runs smoothly.

Sometimes when I am caught up in the mundane tasks of motherhood I begin to doubt myself, using the world as my standard for success and basis for self-worth, and forgetting where my worth comes from in the first place. When I spend my days from sun up to sun down filling the needs of everyone around me, it's so easy to begin to feel lost in the shuffle. I scroll through instagram and I see mothers who are successful in running home businesses, I see women who have fascinating university degrees, I see women who are making something of themselves and I feel all the more stuck. I wonder how they find the time when I can hardly find time to brush my teeth at night. I realize that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to, but something always whispers that it's not the right time now, and that the sacrifice would be great for the children. And so the battle goes on, feeling like I need to prove something or make something of myself in the worlds eyes, while I know deep down that the role I have in our home is one of the most important things I could be doing. Sometimes I think that I need to be more like so and so and forget to be content with who I am. I'm so grateful for a husband who reminds me daily that the work I do here takes great effort and skill and that my time is valuable, especially when it is spent kissing babies, listening to a concerned child, or reading bed time stories.

Art by Caitlin Connolly

As I shared my thoughts with a dear friend late one night, she reminded me how important it is to remember that our worth doesn't change based on our career choice or circumstances. As a daughter of God I will always have great worth. She reminded me that what I do each day is important and if I wasn't here, I would be missed. It was exactly the reminder that I needed to shift my focus and push the negative thoughts from my mind. I was finally able to see through the tunnel of darkness towards the light on the other side.

As I've studied the topic of motherhood and self-worth over these past couple of weeks, I stumbled upon some encouraging words. One author wrote of motherhood that "such a task required skill, competence, courage, intelligence, and ingenuity far above any career." As I read those words, I felt like my role was of great importance. More importantly, I began to feel like I was someone important. That the choices I made to get here took courage, and that I show that courage every morning when I get out of bed to nurture little souls. 

"There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood." ~M. Russell Ballard

"It is a fundamental truth that the responsibilities of motherhood cannot be successfully delegated." ~Ezra Taft Benson

“Teach her to look to the Author and Finisher of her faith for her validation and worth. Help her to fear only God and not man. And remind her that the mission-field of home is a battleground worth fighting for.” ~Kelly Crawford

Some might think that staying home and nurturing children is a waste of time, but I believe that this is the most important career that I will ever have on this earth. I wonder if more women shared the same view if our world would be a different place. I am grateful for a loving husband and encouraging friends who help me see that what I do in our home is worth every sleepless night and every daily sacrifice. To every other Mamma out there who doubts herself and the work she is doing, I want to remind you, just as my friend reminded me, that you are wise, kind, courageous, and of great worth. Your small daily efforts don't go unnoticed.

Super Moon

We have been waking to the most beautiful sunrises. While the time change is kicking our butts and everyone seems to be a little bit on the tired side, I am enjoying the extra daylight. There's something about a little bit of blue sky and sunshine that completely energizes me. I love watching all of the kids play in the yard, laughing and soaking in the sun. Sawyer played outside on the back patio with a hockey stick for a couple of hours today. Wish us luck as we work though the time change, tonight's super moon, and Friday the 13th this week!