I read somewhere recently that the slower we live, the deeper we feel the world around us and it's been so true lately! Sometimes life feels so rushed and crazy making it hard to slow down and savor the little things, the funny phrases the children say, the bedtime snuggles, the chaotic mealtimes. These days with a new baby sometimes blend together and it's hard for me to remember what we did even yesterday. I've felt such a push to keep blogging lately and often in the stillness of the evening or while nursing the baby to sleep I get tiny nudges and reminders here and there, words that come to mind and need to be recorded. Because there's so much about this stage of motherhood that I adore (and some things that I don't) and I want to somehow capture those moments and make them last even though the present can be so fleeting.
On these bleak, Midwinter mornings we wake and leave our warm beds as the chill in the house nips our bare toes. When I walk past the thermostat I often turn it up a few degrees and the house creaks and moans as it warms. The children will huddle on the heat vent and read their books for school as their little bodies thaw. The baby wakes and promptly gulps his milk. When I change him I put the night diaper in a plastic bag hanging on the back of the door handle. After six kids, this is my version of a diaper genie as I don't have time to waste opening a lid or changing out special bags. Breakfast is loud and crazy and there is always someone who is unhappy with the menu, but pancakes are almost always a hit with everyone. The children catch the bus at first light while the sun paints the sky in every hue of pink imaginable. I am cherishing these slow Winter mornings where the baby sleeps in the bassinet nearby and the boys play at my feet.
I prep lunch while peeling my sticky socks off the floor and rubbing crumbs from the bottom of my feet. It's a constant reminder of how impossible it is to keep up with things around here. I am super grateful for my mum who sneakily loads my dishwasher and sweeps my floor when she thinks I'm not looking. It helps. I'm pretty sure what ends up in that dustpan could feed a small army.
Throughout the day my heart swells with love as I pause to watch each child. A smile forms on my face as I observe Oliver in his superman costume, standing on his tippy toes trying to hang the hand towel back on the stove handle. I often feel gratitude for Finley who has taken on his role as big brother so well and speaks to Sawyer so sweetly throughout the afternoon.
I am super grateful for my Dad who always invites us for second breakfast or brings me a plate of whatever he's having because he knows me so well. Most days if I put something in the microwave for lunch I reheat it two times because I forget it's in there and then end up rediscovering it the next day when I go to heat up something for dinner. Taking care of so many littles sometimes means that I forget to nourish myself as I move swiftly from task to task and make sure small bellies are full.
By the time mid-afternoon comes the house is still. Oliver and Sawyer are often napping or have just woken up and Finley has enjoyed some one on one with me or a loving grandparent. Most afternoons Sawyer naps in my arms, on my chest, or in the sling. When the house is still we let the sun warm our faces as it pours through a West facing window. Snuggling him close fills me with absolute joy and makes my heart feel as though it will leap from my chest at any moment. Babies remind us how wonderful it is to feel deeply and often bring emotions to the surface that have been forgotten about.
The early evening finds the children curled up together on the couch while the sun sinks down behind the trees and the room gradually darkens. They laugh as they watch a favorite TV show (and sometimes fight) before dinner.
Meanwhile, I sip my hot tea as I turn around the kitchen grabbing ingredients and making dinner. When the children aren't looking (or listening) I sneak a few chocolates from Christmas to keep my energy levels going. One afternoon as I chatted with my mum at the end of the hall, I waited for the boys to run out of earshot and then we indulged ourselves in a box of Purdy's chocolates I had stashed away in my bedroom. Only a couple each because that's all we had time to eat before the little boys ran back into the room again.
While I do dishes, Ollie pushes over the stool and steals bubbles from my sink, blowing them off his hand and onto my floor where they melt and make a wet mess. He's happy, so I let him. Messes can be wiped, this I've learned. There's no use getting excited over little spills that will inevitably happen with so many littles so close in age.
As I tuck in each of the children at night I can't help but gaze upon their faces and notice how grown up they are getting. Camilla is growing into such a beautiful little girl and I love seeing her personality shine. She is such a light and example to me of what it means to serve others. Some days though I can't help but feel pangs of sadness as I look at the stuffies sitting in her shelf unplayed with, or the barbies in the giveaway pile. There's so many phases she's already gone through (as the only girl I'll ever have) that I feel like I've missed out on because I've been stretched between so many littles.
The two older boys have been driving me nutty lately. They are always so hyper after school, sometimes very argumentative, a little bit sassy, full of crazy, and so LOUD! My parents and grandparents assure me this is normal, but I'm not sure how to help them understand agency and obedience. It's so hard not to yell all the time. I've been trying to figure out how to get their attention in a better way and often find myself pondering on it throughout the day. A few weeks ago I had a light bulb moment while listening to a lesson in Relief Society. I realized that Heavenly Father wants us to CHOOSE to obey instead of just obey. As I've put that perspective into parenting it has helped me be more apt to teach rather than force. Because after all "to discipline means to teach". We've had our rough moments, but it's slowly getting better, and having Daddy back here full time has helped a lot too!
I never want to forget the way Ollie climbs up beside me randomly throughout the day, pulls my hair back, and whispers sweet things in my ear. The way he says "Thank-you" for simple things all day long without being prompted melts my heart and helps me believe that I actually can raise polite, sweet children.
And at days end as I cradle Sawyer in my arms and walk to the nursery at the end of the hall I find myself wanting to pull him in closer. My heart swells with so much gratitude, joy, and emotion that I think it may burst! He's started giggling and I've recently discovered he has ticklish shoulders. I am constantly covering his ever-growing cheeks in kisses and holding his wrinkled hands in mine. I love the way he grabs my shirt firmly in his little fist while he nurses. I wish there was some way to capture the smells, touch, and emotions that come with motherhood. I want to savor and hang onto this baby stage forever. I think we've decided that we are content with six and right now I am at capacity, but I'm not sure how I will ever let this stage of motherhood go.
For the most part I have felt more joy than I have in a long time. Especially this past week I've found myself almost wanting to literally jump for joy or squeeze my kiddos extra tight because I love them so much. But one night when I was feeling particularly unaccomplished and flustered with all of the housework I found myself lamenting to Mike about my lack of education and certificates. He smirked and said, "You have certificates...six of them...birth certificates!" It earned him a smile and stopped the tears. I'm grateful he recognizes motherhood as an accomplishment and holds in it such high regard, especially when I struggle to remember how important my "job" is.
This past year I've learned to trust in the journey, even when we don't understand it. These last few months have been tough and filled with so much change, but I've been finding so much happiness and joy here in slowing down and realizing the things that matter most. Watching the sun come up each day fills my soul. Taking time to play with the children and remember the thrill of sledding awoke something within me that I haven't felt in a long time and has given me a new sense of joy. Winter has me cherishing quiet, cozy afternoons and dimly lit evenings. I'm savoring these days where my kids call it "root beard" instead of "root beer" and find it so special to have pop with dinner on occasion. And watching my husband find joy, passion, and fulfillment at his new endeavors here has made me so happy! I'm so grateful for the way Winter helps us to slow down, rest, and discover who we are again.
"The plants and earth are resting. Maybe we should too. The
longer days will be here soon enough." - Rebecca Raiden
I also love the little boy that wrote this in his journal tonight after we had a big blowout.
